Holy mom-jeans, Jessica. No! This outfit absolutely gets a top-4 seed in the “Jessica Simpson Crimes Against Fashion Tournament and Chili Cookoff.” Which is sorta where Jessica was when she squeezed into THIS little number! A chili-cookoff, that is, doing her act in front of 3,000 actual people! It beats bingo halls and bowling alleys (actual J. Simp venues in the past 12 months).

Let’s see if these high-waisted denim-diapers look any better from the back.

No they do not. A more stumpifying garment has yet to be created. And those suckers are chafing you so bad, you’re gonna be crying in the powder room, if you know what I mean.

Jessica, we ALL know you’re trying your damnedest to set the hook into Tony Romo’s football fortune, because you yammer about it onstage constantly. This is between yammering sessions to the press with TOO MUCH INFORMATION.

You’re probably DYING to be a mom and have a lil’ Tony. But please don’t confuse mom-jeans with motherhood, honey, or you’ll NEVER get there.

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