The new Madonna Super Bowl video preview for “Give Me All Your Luvin'” is peppy, catchy, somewhat infectious and utterly boring to the point of tears. Watching the new Madonna “Give Me All Your Luvin'” video just makes me long desperately for the old Material Girl of my youth and itch to change the channel to anything by Lady Gaga. You know, that spectacular, fresh, visionary performer Madonna called “reductive,” and I call brilliantly relevant? (Unlike someone else lately I could name…)

Now, back in the day, Madonna would have beaten Lady Gaga over the head, made her look like a clown and walked all over her in six-inch heels while mutilating her with spike boobs. That is how incredibly fabulous Madonna was. The sad part there is the usage of the past tense. In the new Madonna Super Bowl video preview, Madge looks like she is the one trying to imitate someone else, not the one being imitated.

That’s just sad. Watching Madonna trying to somehow channel the spirit of Katy Perry kind of makes me cringe and die on the inside a little. Just reading the ‘intro’ of the video, featuring M.I.A. and Niki Minaj, makes me want to burn something. “Fans can make you famous, a contract can make you rich, the press can make you a superstar, but only luv can make you a player,” the intro reads at the launch of the “Give Me All Your Lovin'” video. May I kindly stop to pound my head into my computer desk for a few minutes? That sounds so entirely stupid that I just want to throw up in my mouth a little. If the intro isn’t bad enough, the lyrics to the actual song, both Madonna’s sections and the rap sections, are just as terrible.

Also, I just am so sick of everyone thinking they sound so super awesome using passé slang like “Luvin'” that I want to scream. Really? The Material Girl, the controversy-spewing rebel goddess of “Like a Prayer” is singing about “Luvin'” surrounded by football players in blank helmets and cheerleaders in  freakish anime masks? And why, might I ask, is everyone in this video except Madonna and her “featured” friends wearing something on their heads to make them into faceless robots? Has it really gotten to the point where Madonna can’t even stand to have to look at the huddled masses of her video extras? Or is she just terrified that someone might actually take their eyes off her for a bare moment to look at a pretty cheerleader’s face?

There might be some forgiveness for all this horror if the song was actually any good. I’m sure plenty of people will slam me all over the place on this, but honestly — this song has absolutely no musical or artistic merit in my opinion. I really don’t care about all the Madonna lovers and boot-lickers who are crowing about how amazingly terrific she has done it again!  No, she has not. The lyrics to “Give Me All Your Lovin'” are as idiotic as the title. The melody is a bastardized rework of past Madonna hits mixed up badly with an attempt to draw in younger fans with some hip hop cut-ins. Everything about the song is “designed” to be catchy and popular, which makes it sound entirely superficial and yawn-worthy.

As for the Madonna Super Bowl video preview itself, the whole thing is so ridiculous you just kind of have to stare at it with your jaw hanging down.

What the hell does this song or what is going on in the video have to do with people shooting at Madonna and having football players jump in the way to take the bullets? Why does Madonna once again pull in the Marilyn Monroe imagery for no damn good reason? Yes, I get it is homage to the previous Madonna Marilyn Monroe take-offs from her antiquity, but it just doesn’t work here. Especially Marilyn Monroe-esque combined with stripper cheapness. Ugh. Also, why are two weirdly random anime face cheerleaders making out with football heads bobbing up and down on the wall with lights shooting out of their eyes in the background? And the whole Madonna tossing a crying baby off screen like a piece of meat at the end of the video? Really?

Yeah, Madonna is a very “different kind of girl” than she used to be. Instead of being ground-breaking, radical and brilliant, her newest video is a self-serving, narcasistic, worship fest. As much as this just makes us want to slap Madonna for demaning herself, it’s ever so much worse to watch her demean Nicki Minaj and M.I.A. by forcing them to be her little slave fans and mouth such inane material. I was actually really looking forward to seeing that Madonna Super Bowl performance, but after watching this… Well, only a Super Bowl wardrobe malfunction of epic perportions could save this from being a bore fest.

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