The Fashion Police were out in force last night at the Oscars, and it’s clear that many fashion “experts” are depressed about the lack of taste infecting more of Hollywood.

“Every year it’s the same story, with the flashy getting flashier and the trashy getting trashier,” said Melissa Rivers, in a special post-Oscars report for the TV Guide channel. “If nothing is done to level the playing field, we may never see members of the fashion underprivileged, like Lindsay Lohan and Pamela Anderson, make the transition from sham to glam. We can’t just assume that because Nicole Kidman, Jennifer Aniston, and Kate Winslet look amazing, everything is okay,” said Rivers, as celebrity stylist Phillip Bloch and In Touch fashion commentator Goumba Johnny shook their heads in agreement. “For every Sarah Jessica Parker, there’s an overdressed underclass of Mary-Kate Olsens and Paula Abduls.”

Moreover, a growing number of style analysts, including Melissa’s sidekick Jay Manuel, place blame for the current state of elegance squarely on the shoulders of the devastated celebrities themselves.

“It’s all about personal responsibility: pull yourself up by your own Choo straps,” Manuel said. “Courtney Love has her choice of any Versace gown she wants, but she chooses to look like she just stumbled out the back door of a methadone clinic. You just have to want to work hard and apply yourself.”

Melissa’s mom Joan Rivers defended the celeb slobs, insinuating they are fashion-disabled:

“I don’t believe for a minute that any of this is the celebrities’ fault. Who in the world chooses to present themselves like Sharon Stone? Who goes out and dresses like Tori Spelling on purpose? No one, that’s who! Gawd! It makes me sick!”

Meowch! Jessica Beil seemed to be the expert’s winner for female worst-dressed. Satin is rarely a good choice at any time, and her white Prada gown and messy hair made for a bad combo. Especially since she carried a black purse. FAIL.

Amy Adams got bad reviews for being boring, and for wearing a red gown with red hair. Yawn. There were far worse.

Snarkista thinks Beyonce should have won for the obvious House Of Dereon mermaid monstrosity she donned. Bee didn’t disclose the designer of the gown. We know why…it was Mama Tina. Thankfully we didn’t get a double-Dereon dose, as Solange was still locked in the basement. EPIC fail.

The men weren’t spared by Esquire, who gave Philip Seymour Hoffman their “worst dressed” for attempting a poor Mickey Rourke impersonation. Mickey himself did it better, earning him Esquire’s The “So Crazy It Just Might Work” Award:

There’s a secret method to Mickey Rourke’s off-white maverick play from Gaultier. See, his roguish, cavalier look follows a pretty standard blueprint: a scarf with a shiny iridescent shirt, glittering jewels (dog jewelry, to be specific), and the occasional rogue color. Nothing you’d let dad wear to a wedding, but when you’re a former boxer riding a huge comeback for playing a wrestler, you can get away with these things.

Stop holding your breath that Lindsay Lohan, the Olsen trolls, Pamela Anderson and Mickey Rourke will change their ways, fashion mavens. Some things are just meant to be.

Subscribe to Snark Food updates on Facebook, Twitter, Email, or RSS