Ouch. Jessica Simpson’s concert in Ontario Wednesday night is getting SLAMMED by the critics. Called “bizarre” and more like a “therapy session”, the show did not go over well at all. John Law of the Niagra Falls Review says:
“It might be unfair calling Jessica Simpson’s show at the Avalon Ballroom Wednesday a train wreck — at some point, a train knows where it’s going,”
Ha! Law said that Jessica’s ongoing banter with the audience was quite uncomfortable, especially when Jessica declared her farts smell like roses. Classy! Critics say she acts like she’s still living in a reality show. She obviously she hasn’t grown any more brain cells.
Jessica botched the revered Dusty Springfield’s name by calling her “Destiny”, and then proceeded to botch Dusty’s classic Son of A Preacher Man. Which happens to be one of Snarkista’s FAVE songs. Unconscionable! Jessica’s turned herself into Ellie Mae Clampett wardrobe-wise, but all the daisy-dukes in the world won’t hide the fact that she can’t carry a concert.
Jessica better clam up about Tony Romo too. She yammers on about him in concert, and she’s on the cover of People this week pulling an Aniston about their relationship. Bad move…a potential nail in the coffin. Time to re-read The Rules, Simpson! Snarkista assumes you CAN read. Guys may laugh at your farts, but they don’t wanna marry them. Blabbing about your relationship so publicly is ASKING for your man to turn and run. Hit the brakes, girl, or you’ll be singing “I’m So Lonesome I Could Cry” back in spinster-land.
What the eff is Supermodels magazine? Obviously it is SO elite that no one Snarkista knows has ever seen it. This would explain why Ali Lohan is gracing it’s cover…if one wants to put it that way. Those America’s Next Top Models (and Tila Tequila?!) in the collage are PISSED at Dina Lohan for paying Ali’s way in. Lindsay’s pissed that Ali’s not wearing her insane legging collection.
Ali poses about as well as a John Casablancas reject, and those hos will take anyone. ‘Cuz you have to pay THEM rather than the genuine supermodel way where the model GETS paid. This shizz is almost as fug as Heidi Montag’s new video. Almost. Ali wins ONLY because she’s not singing and the pics aren’t blurry. Thank God this won’t be staring back at us from the magazine racks, but Dina has PLENTY of copies if you want one.
UPDATE!: Watch Solange show her ASS Wednesday in an interview with Fox News Las Vegas! The lesser diva got pissy with the anchorwoman after seeing a teaser regarding the closing of Jay-Z’s Vegas nightclub. The thing is, the teaser HADN’T aired! The rest of the story is here at Poptarts. It is NOT flattering. Bratz alert!!
Poor Solange Knowles either isn’t very swooft or she’s been brainwashed by evil sis Beyonce and fuggery designer mom Tina. They have foisted so many bad outfits on Solange that Snarkista is concerned for her mental health. Just look at what they did to her in her latest video! Criminal.
They have to talk her into wearing this shizz by telling her it’s cutting-edge, highly demanded House Of Derrierre couture, all while Beyonce cackles a witchy laugh. Solange doesn’t even get a new belt. She must not understand math, or she’d look at House Of Dereon’s books and realize that NOBODY’S buying that crap. You KNOW Queen B has to be floating mama to keep her out of the way.
Tina Knowles can only get Solange (and occasionally Beyonce) to wear her creations. Now, if you need some good cameltoe wear, or wanna look like Big Bird, RUN to Tina and she will hook you right up. But if Solange doesn’t watch it, she’s gonna become the next Juliet Lewis. That is NOT a good thing.
Kelly Osbourne looked like she picked a fight with someone and lost! She left her London home yesterday sporting a heavily bruised face. Kelly’s now a 23-year-old singer-turned-radio DJ. What’s with everyone in celebrity-ville becoming DJ’s now? Snarkista thinks spinning records is a lot easier than bagging a record deal. Poor Kelly had a bad looking black eye and a bandaged-up head as she left her flat to visit her doctor. Did she play the wrong song? Is this another Amy Winehouse attack?
Kelly may have looked like she’d been in a fight, but her spokesman said the contents of a cupboard fell on top of her. Woops! The Campbell soup one-two punch! Sounds like someone needs to call the maid to straighten out the cabinets. Kelly should tell the spokesbitch to shut up… that she and Amy had a smackdown and that Amy looks WORSE. With the way Amy looks these days, that should be an easy story to sell.
Snarkista has sad news to report today. The son of infamous rap producer Dr. Dre was found dead at his home on Saturday morning. Andre Romelle Young Jr., 20, was unconscious and unresponsive when his mother went to check on him at approximately 10:30 in the morning. Paramedics were called, but were unable to revive him. Andre Jr.’s cause of death is yet to be determined, but foul play is not suspected.
An autopsy was conducted on Young’s body Monday, but the cause of Andre’s death is pending the results of a toxicology report, a representative for the L.A. County Coroner’s office told MTV News. The coroner’s spokesperson said that Andre spent Friday night with friends. His mother told police that he’d returned home Saturday at around 5:30 a.m., and she’d heard him in his bedroom.
Dre, whose given name is Andre Young Sr, is an award winning producer who discovered the group NWA, and became co-owner of West Coast record label Death Row records. Dre increased his fame for his discovery and production of Eminem.
Dr. Dre’s publicist Lori Earl issued the following statement today on his behalf: “Dr. Dre is mourning the loss of his son Andre Young Jr. Please respect his family’s grief and privacy at this time.” Snarkfood will follow up with more details as they become available. Snarkista’s prayers go out for the Young family at this extremely sad and difficult time.
Madonna has been forced out of her personal gym by the builders who are working on her NEW gym next door. The Vadge spent an astonishing $24 million dollars converting the house next door to her home in London into a state-of-the-art gym.
The Daily Mirror says she’s fed up with the noise, leering construction workers and crude comments when she walks by. MADONNA! Those dudes are NOT hitting on you! Your freaky body-builder physique is hurting their eyes. Those moans are from pain, and they’re begging you to STOP IT! We know you wanna get Britney Spears up in the gym too. Save yourself some time, ‘cuz there’s no way Britney’s gonna put the cheetos down, even if you get your whip out.
Madge spends a reported three hours a day on the treadmill, and apparently mistook the builders’ comments as sleazy. Girl, please. Those dudes don’t wanna bang on someone who could beat the living shizz outa them. Au contraire. They’re bravely trying to perform a public service.
Look, WE GET IT! You’ve been working out. It shows. Bodybuilding does NOT pay well! Now would you PLEASE put on some clothes?
With concern for global eyesight,
Okay, this video isn’t from Tom Cruise’s last birthday in July, but it IS from his top secret birthday party aboard the Freewinds, Scientology’s asbestos-ridden (earthly) mothership. Snarkista’s watching the DNC and wanted to give y’all something to laugh at BESIDES nutty protesters calling Obama a warmonger (?)! Here’s Tom, with Scientology-boss David Miscavige glued to his side partayin’ down Tommy-Girl style. Big mistake to hand the mike to Tom for some “Old Time Rock-n-Roll”. Tom can’t really dance either. Enjoy!