This should probably be “Crimes Against Fashion: Tina Knowles Edition.” However, Solange Knowles IS an adult, and presumably has the ability to say “HELL NO, MOM!” She didn’t, so Solange is charged with the crime. There is SO much wrong with Solange’s new video for her lame song “Sandcastle Disco”. Solange can NOT dance. (She can, however, play charades.) Snarkista’s not wild about her singing. But all of this pales in comparison to the horrifying costumes that have been foisted upon poor Solange.
To say they are fugly is being incredibly kind. We have Solange in a great imitation of a Goodwill cocktail dress. Solange in an outfit that is unclassifiable, but resembles a giant Barry Manilow “Copacabana” shirt. It’s yellow, and it’s trying to EAT Solange while she “dances” on a giant piano. Then there’s Solange as Big Bird. It is all unbelievably god-awful.
Solange hasn’t gotten the memo that the only thing she’s ever gonna star in is House Of Dereon ads. Big sissy Beyonce got that written in stone a LONG time ago. Poor Solange is relegated to pantomiming with backup girls who can also pantomime. It’s painful. Extremely painful. Solange? If your video looks like it was made by Sesame Street, you REALLY need to kick somebody’s ass. Here’s an even better idea. Get some revenge on Beyonce by “helping mama design”. That would be a hellofa lot more fun.
All of the hoopla last week over the discovery of a Bigfoot in Northern Georgia turned out to be a big ole hoax. Shocker! The two Georgia dudes who “discovered” Bigfoot, Matthew Whitton and Rick Dyer, pulled a fast one over on Tom Biscardi…who is described by some as a “Las Vegas con man”. Biscardi’s a Bigfoot hoaxer from way back, and runs the website searchingforbigfoot.com (Warning: unintentionally hilarious!)
Tom paid an “undisclosed sum” to Matthew and Rick for their Bigfoot corpse and the privilege of holding the flop press conference last Friday. At the same time, Biscardi sent self-described “Sasquatch detective” AND host of “Squatchdetective Radio”, Steve Kulls, back to Georgia to check out the body. Sadly, Fox News reports that Steve did not have good news for Tom.
Basically, Steve thawed out the frozen “corpse”, and discovered that yes, it WAS a Halloween costume! Unfortunately for Tom Biscardi, Matthew and Rick are not answering the phone. They’ve gone AWOL with the cash! Snarkista thought something smelled in this whole deal. Asked for comment on Officer Whitton, Clayton County, Ga., Chief of Police Jeffrey Turner, corrected FoxNews.com.
“You mean ex-officer Whitton. As soon as we saw it was a hoax, I filed the paperwork to terminate his employment. For someone to do a complete three-sixty like that, I can’t explain it.”
Don’t believe Matthew did a complete 360, Chief Redneck. Re-do the math. As for Biscardi, this couldn’t happen to a nicer guy! Heartbreak clip below.
Insufferable diva Jennifer Lopez may have out-douched herself this time. MSNBC sources are reporting that the legend in her own mind got PISSY about all the attention Olympic superstar Michael Phelps is getting. Hahahahah!!!! J. Lo appeared on “Good Morning America” yesterday to pimp her prep for the upcoming Malibu Triathlon. GMA sources say that after the segment, diva was overheard saying she:
“couldnâ€™t understand why everyone is talking about that swimmer. She couldnâ€™t come up with (eight-time gold-medal winner Michael) Phelpsâ€™ name, and then she blabbed on about how SHE was the one training for a triathlon just six months after giving birth, and how that SHE was the big story right now, not â€˜the swimmer.â€™ “
This is a new high in inches for how far J. Lo’s head is up her own ass. That’s gotta be worth at least a bronze medal. Bitch, get back to “training” in Central Park with your makeup artist, while Skelator follows you on the Segway. Snarkista’s pretty sure Phelps will say “Jennifer Who?” IF he hears the news. She seriously doubts he has that much free time.
The Jonas Brothers unveiled their wax counterparts at Madame Toussads’ museum in Washington, DC this weekend. Some die-hard fans waited 2 DAYS AND NIGHTS to be among the first to see the immobile cuties. Wax can’t run, so THESE JoBros will likely become a shrine for tweens everywhere. You can see from the pics how the Waxbros faked out some of the crazed girls…who seem to be quite happy with the next best thing! They got to touch them!! OMG!!!
Madame Toussads’ was originally only going to allow 50 of the weeping fans in, but changed the number to 100 after seeing the crowd, and fearing for their lives. The museum spent countless hours consulting with the Jonas Brothers, taking pics and measurements, so the WaxBros could serve as the ultimate decoy for less discerning tweens. The WaxBros are even wearing the ACTUAL CLOTHES the Jonas Brothers wore on the cover of their new album “A Little Bit Longer”.
The museum needs to guard the WaxBros 24/7, or they’re gonna be the NudeBros. Crazed tweens are plotting as we speak to snatch those clothes, and hide them in their beds forever. Also, Miley Cyrus may try to kidnap the Nick Jonas WaxBro to show those haters she IS still dating Nick. The Jonas Brothers should consider working a deal to borrow the WaxBros from time-to-time ‘cuz WaxBros won’t lose their hearing when the tweens crank up the earth-shaking screams. Just a tip!
Why, Snarkista, you ask, do you tell us about Heidi Montag’s songs? Because, my children, they are just such effin’ trainwrecks that Snarkista can’t turn away. Guilty as charged. Please don’t make anything Heidi-related part of my punishment. Heidibot never sounded more like a broken synthesizer than she does here. Which is saying A LOT. Where does one actually BUY a Heidi Montag release anyways? Is she on the i-tunes charts? Do they even go that low? Snarkista doesn’t think anyone’s in danger of “Overdosin’ ” on Heidi, ‘cuz no one could listen that long. Get the duct-tape ready again. When your head explodes you wanna be able to find all the pieces.
Britney Spears reportedly has another new boyfriend, according to the Post-Chronicle, and his name is Sean Fox, (a.k.a. Sean Zastoupil). Sean apparently had an overnight recently with Britney. He’s a dancer, model, actor and now maybe flavor of the day, who used to date Lauren Conrad of “The Hills”! Crap. LC’s gonna throw a hissy now, and it shouldn’t take Spencer Pratt long to try and insert his doucheass into the fray.
Depending upon whom you believe, Britney’s been rumored to be dating bodyguards and hotel magnates as well, OR has been celibate for 6 months. Britney’s REAL flavor of FOREVER is captured in the pic above from OK magazine. It’s Snarkista’s FAVE of all time, it has captured Brit in her natural habitat…with Cheetos. That OK photographer deserves a freakin’ Pulitzer.
Back to the flavor of the day…here’s the latest supposed boy-toy Sean, in an obviously home-made yet extremely earnest and serious “dance and modeling” video. Sean sounds like Michael Jackson, and the jam box in the shots really ups his street cred, don’t ya think? Pose on, baby.
Cloris Leachman is still spicy! Mary Tyler Moore show and multi- movie star Cloris Leachman made a hilarious appearance at the Comedy Central roast of Bob Saget, single dad on “Full House” with the Olsen twins and John Stamos. Bob’s TRUE persona is quite spicy as well; his standup shows are known for their funny, but QUITE dirty jokes! Cloris was reportedly in the running for this season’s Dancing With The Stars, but got beat out by Toni Braxton. Well, Cloris IS 82. Ya gotta draw the line SOMEWHERE!
Cloris begin her part of the roast by saying:
“I am not here to roast Bob Saget. I’m here to [F-word] John Stamos.”
Here’s the video that everybody’s talking about…quite a hoot!