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Britney’s Political Platform Video From National Lampoon

Is Paris Hilton ready to lead? In an answer to Paris’ bid for the White House, National Lampoon lobs it back to Funny Or Die with their OWN candidate: Britney Spears!

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Victim Stabbed by “40 Year Old Virgin” Shelley Malil Identified

UPDATE: Shelley Malil has pleaded NOT GUILTY to attempted murder in the stabbing of his girlfriend. This despite the reports by at least two witnesses, one of whom disarmed Malil after he grabbed a SECOND knife to continue his assault. Snarkista smells an insanity plea coming. Malil is being held on $10 million bond after Superior Court Judge Marshall Hockett deemed him a potential flight risk during his arraignment Wednesday. If convicted, he faces a maximum sentence of life in prison.

The reported girlfriend stabbed by “40 Year Old Virgin” actor Shelley Malil last night near San Diego has been identified. TMZ’s reporting that her name is Kendra Beebe. They’ve also posted pictures of Kendra.

The National Ledger
reports that Kendra Beebe is 35 years old, and was heavily bleeding by the time police arrived. Her 2 year old and 4 year old children were apparently at home while she was being attacked. The report claims that the knifing came outside of the house into the back yard, where a neighbor reportedly claimed that he saw the attack. There were reports of breaking glass heard as well as a woman screaming for help.

The victim was stabbed over 20 times according to the LA Times, and is in critical condition. San Diego’s NBC affiliate, KNSD-TV, reports that Malil arrived at the home and found his ex-girlfriend in her backyard with another man, grabbed a knife and began stabbing her while chasing her through her home. When the unidentified man tried to intervene, he was also stabbed in the hand. The attack was extremely BRUTAL, with a neighbor telling KNSD that “her chin was almost entirely cut off”.

Shelley was arrested after taking an Amtrak train to Oceanside. He was booked on “suspicion of attempted murder, mayhem and burglary”, is being held at the Vista Detention Center, and is due to be arraigned tomorrow morning.

Reports are varied, but some say the two recently broke up, while others say they were seen together this weekend and seemed as normal. Violence NEVER fixed a breakup. Shelley’s gonna be looking at some hard time if his ex passes away, and attempted murder ain’t no picnic. Crazyass better be on his knees.

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Kanye’s Muppet Olympics: His New Video “Champion”

Kanye West has released his new video for “Champion”. He’s in the Unified Games, a spoof on the Olympics. It’s on K-Span, with samples from Steely Dan! Kanye’s a muppet! Check it out!

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Poll: Jake Gyllenhaal Shirtless In “Prince Of Persia”

Here’s Jake Gyllenhaall shirtless on the set of his upcoming (but pushed back to 2010) movie Prince Of Persia; The Sands Of Time. Jakey’s obviously been hitting the gym, and has possibly been up in the ‘roids! Jake’s also gotten hairier, OR he’s wearing a bad Hannah Montana wig. What Snarkista wants to know is:

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Snarkista Needs To Chill: Coldplay’s “Viva la Vida”, The Video.

Honestly y’all, this has been a hell of a week and it’s just Tuesday. Snarkista’s gonna chill a little with Coldplay’s latest…Viva La Vida…which means Live The Life. After all of the death and rumors of death, Snarkista feels like throwing some Life into the mix. Crank it up and think about whether Saint Peter will call YOUR name. And because hump day can’t come fast enough.

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Snark Sightings

China pulls a Milli Vanilli: The Telegraph

Big Brooke Hogan… Desperado: D-Listed

Pregorexia- The Hottest New Celebucraze: Gravy And Biscuits

Britney And The Elephant In The Room: Backseat Cuddler

Celebs Say The Dumbest Things! Behind Blondie Park

Why Can’t Michael Phelps Look As Good As He Swims? The Third I

The Top 6 Celebs Who Shouldn’t Be Famous: Celebrifi

Ryan Phillippe Takes It Off: Ten Gossip

A Field Guide To Cougars: NY Post

The Top 10 South Park “Chef” Moments By Isaac Hayes: Times Online

A REAL Chupucabra! (Not Rachel Zoe): Guanabee

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Katy Perry Wants Female Fans To Kiss Off

Girl, you brought this shizz on yourself by trying to perv up on Miley Cyrus for some PR! Katy Perry says that despite the lezbo lyrics in her smash “I Kissed A Girl”, she is OVER her female fans trying to snag a smooch.
Katy whined to The Sun

Girls now keep asking for a kiss. After every show on my tour I stay behind to do an autograph signing. But about a dozen women will want a snog. I just sweetly say, ‘No, thank you’. If I kissed everybody who asked I’d probably go away with something I don’t really want.

Katy was quick not to hop off of her gravy-train though, and revealed her same-sex crushes on Hollywood stars inspired her to write the song. Don’t kiss PARIS! Wonky McValtrex will make your lips fall OFF!

I was reading a magazine and opened it up to a picture of either Scarlett Johansson or Megan Fox, and I turned to my boyfriend and said, ‘You know, if they walked through the door and asked me to pucker up, I would just do it.’

Girl, if Megan or Scarlett walked through your door, Mr. Katy Perry would mow your ass down so fast you’d be kissing the floor! Glad the shtick is working out for ya though, you broke Beatles chart records with your song. It’s probably time to shut up about kissing 15 year olds, though. However, SamRo and Lindsay are on line 2!

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