Britney’s Black Bump Blanket

Oh, Brit. Honey- come on, now, are you knocked up? ‘Cuz you SURE look like you are, I saw you in a bikini the other day…I’m just sayin’. I hope you’re just REALLY tired in this picture and not hammered. Did your vaycay with Mel Gibson help at ALL?

Angelina Jolie wore this in beige the other night, and I must say that black IS the better choice. IF you’re gonna wear a MuMu. Angelina looked like the spawn of Humpty Dumpty and a patio umbrella. But honey, even though black is slimming and all, there’s only so much a color can do. Union rules, you know.

Boy Band Mogul Lou Perlman Gets 25 Years For Fraud

The Backstreet Boys and ‘N Sync’s svengali/exploiter Lou Perlman was sentenced to 25 years in prison today for defrauding investors and banks to the tune of $300 million dollars. For 20 years Perlman lured investors into placing millions of dollars into two companies that didn’t exist. Perlman faked financial statements to keep the curious at bay. For 20 YEARS!

Classy Perlman’s victims included his family and friends, and elderly people who lost their life savings in the scams. Naturally, the judge was quite unsympathetic towards Perlman, and slapped him with 25 years in the big house. Perlman tried to buy time because he’s launching a new European pop band called “US 5” in the United States and Asia! Judge doesn’t give a shiz about new boy bands. He’s also too smart to buy Lou’s snake oil about the “significant profits” US 5 would be earning which could be used to pay back his victims.

The Backstreet Boys and N’Sync both realized into their relationships with Perlman that he was cheating them blind, and have spoken in the past about their horrible experiences. It will be interesting to see if any of Lou’s former prodigies speak out about his upcoming great adventure.

Did Simon’s Comments on Idol Hurt David Cook? Vote!

I had PIMP JUICE all over me last night, courtesy of Simon Cowell. American Idol’s David Cook vs. David Archuleta final showdown featured great performances from both Davids. The boxing format, however, was incredibly lame, NIGEL.

Simon was clearly there to laud all over Archie and crap all over Cook. Do you think his harshness hurt David Cook’s chances with the voters? Lots of people made up their minds before last night. Or, are you a conspiracy theorist who thinks Simon was using double top-secret reverse psychology on America so the fans would SAVE David Cook? Vote and let us know!

Simon Cowell Is A Giant Purple Pimp

Holy crap. American Idol’s finale just ended, the long awaited David Cook v David Archuleta matchup. Idol pulled Andrew Lloyd Weber back out of the crypt, and he and 200 year old Clive Davis served as mentors to the Davids. David Cook sang three different songs well. Lil Archie sang 3 ballads, one of which was “Imagine”. Again.

If Randy says “Dude you could sing the phonebook, you’re so good” ONE MORE TIME I will cease watching Idol forever. Seriously dawg, you need some new material ASAP. Paula was, well- Paula, and Simon has never pimped Archie harder. We’re talking downtown, DIRTY pimping! Any lack of transparency on the judges’ part was gone tonight, as it was a complete Archuleta coronation-fest. GAK!

Numbers for David COOK are: 1-866-IDOLS01, 03, and 05, or text “vote” to 5701.

Winehouse Momma Mouse

Here’s Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty cracked up inside a neon tube playing house with newborn mice. Those babies are SO glad their eyes aren’t open yet! “Put the shield up quick, mates! Something’s trying to burn through!” Amy thinks they have superpowers and can save her marriage. Pete’s nasty fingernails only add to the feel of fear for the babes; I don’t really want to think of where they may be right now.

DANG this clip makes me nervous! I’m afraid Pete or Amy will absentmindedly eat one of the tiny little guys. PETA needs to get up on Amy’s weave and BAN her from coming anywhere near animals! Tina Turner is so upset she’s BEGGING Amy to get help! Good luck with that, Tina. Bless your heart. Y’all be glad this clip’s not in Smellavision.

Jessica Alba Gets Married, Possibly Smiles

Jessica Alba and classy Cash Warren have tied the knot, but did it quietly. I’m sure that was an important part of the press release to People Magazine. Jessica doesn’t want you to think of her as joyful…that would involve actual smiling and violate some contract. The knot tying took place yesterday, and was so QUIET we don’t know where it occurred. Jessica and Cash have been engaged since last December, and as you probably know- a little girl is quickly on her way. Cheers to the quiet, sort of glad, er-okay couple!
UPDATE: Appears the knot was tied at the romantic Beverly Hills courthouse, without guests, Alba in a dark blue dress, Cash in brown pants. An arch of fake greenery and fake flowers WAS present. Ah, love.