Mary Kate And Ashley Under The Influence Of Prunes

Yeah, “prune” is what Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen say (quietly) when posing for pictures. Supposedly it gives them the perfect, snide, partial-smile that says: “We are not to be questioned, we INFLUENCE. Can you not READ?” No, Snarkista did not make that prune part up. It’s a known Olsen fact, their gramma taught it to them or something, and you can probably wiki it, but do it on your OWN time.

The Olsen trolls signed their new insufferable artsy coffee-table book in NYC yesterday, and here are the ACTUAL rules imposed on anyone who wanted to buy this shizz. Note to the loved ones: DO NOT BUY SNARKISTA THIS FOR CHRISTMAS. She wants an “Infidel” t-shirt from Srsly.

1) Mary-Kate Olsen and Ashley Olsen will be with us for a limited time. They will only be signing copies of their book, Influence. They will not be speaking, reading or taking questions.
2) Mary-Kate Olsen and Ashley Olsen will NOT sign any memorabilia or product other than Influence. There is a limit of one book per person, and your one book must be purchased here.
3) You will be directed to pay for your book upon entering the store and will be given a receipt for your purchase. Please keep your receipt. You will receive your book at the signing table.
4) Along with your receipt, you will be given a B&N wristband, and then directed to the event space on the 4th floor. You must have a receipt and a wristband to access the 4th floor.
5) Anyone approaching the signing table must have paid for the book and be wearing a B&N wristband. One person, one wristband, one book.
6) You will collect your signed book at the signing table. If you have paid for any additional copies, a staff member will provide you with those before you exit the space.
7) There is no photography allowed. You must put away your camera or cell phone before approaching the signing table. The authors will not pose for photos.
8) If you leave, or the authors leave, before you are able to collect a signed book, you may present your receipt to a cashier for either an unsigned book or a refund. (Refunds only issued within 14 days of receipt.)
9) There will be no extra signed copies available after the authors leave the store. They will not be able to sign for anyone who is not on line. No pre-orders.

No word on how long MK and Ash could keep saying “prune” as it was probably starting to hurt, and their hands probably started to hurt too, and “besides, all these people are on our staff, right? Let’s blow!” (No Heath Ledger pun intended.)

Mary Kate And Ashley Olsen Are Crappy Neighbors

Mini-terrors Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen have their neighbors in their formerly quiet West Village neighborhood upset. Really upset. Seems the girls are “disruptive, intrusive and totally disrespectful”. AND, they’ve created a “military presence” in their hood. A neighbor said “you’d think there was a government operation going on”. Snarkista wonders who would want to off MK and Ashley? Bob Saget and John Stamos still love them, even though the little twinkies haven’t done much lately!

The diminutive gazillionaires began renting two floors of a brownstone on West 13th in May, for $12,000 a month. They come and go in the wee hours of the night, roaring off in their SUV’s to hit the latest NY party spots. One resident called them “two spoiled brats” who “change the character of the neighborhood” by posting security guards outside. The bodyguards have even made other building residents move from the brownstone’s front stairs, so the twins can climb the steps in privacy. Holy insufferability!

The twins are definitely not “green”, as they keep two giant GMC Denali trucks parked outside the townhouse EVERY NIGHT, with the engines idling for hours at a time. Major Carbon Footprint Alert! Other celebs who live in the hood are Sarah Jessica Parker, Gisele Bundchen, Julianne Moore and Liv Tyler, but they reportedly are good neighbors. Not “invaders” like MK and Ashley have been called.

The only comfort for the neighbors is that the little fashionistas are renters. The rest of the building HOPES it isn’t a long-term rental. Predictably, a rep for the twins denied that security has ever asked anyone to leave the stairs. Quoth the rep:

“If there were significant issues, you would think that the neighbors would address Ashley or Mary-Kate directly, rather than calling the media.”

Oh, right. How are the neighbors supposed to do that with the goon-patrol surrounding them at all times? Here’s hoping the twin terrors move on to other digs soon before someone gets hurt!

Snark Sightings

Sugarland Kicks Miley Cyrus In The Ass: Contact Music

Wonky Strikes Back: Seriously? OMG!

Stalker Aniston Can’t Take A Joke: Showbiz Spy

Michael Lohan’s Not Down With A 2-Bride Wedding: Backseat Cuddler

Which politicians are REALLY most like Paris Hilton? Indecision ’08

Hollywoods Top-Paid Tweens: Forbes

Tips On How To Score At The Store: The Bachelor Guy

Christina Aguilera’s Ready For Halloween: Superficial Diva

Barackbook- Be Obama’s Friend!: Guanabee

Britney Gets Another VMA Nod: Fafarazzi

Celebrity Look-Alikes: Slacker Network

Signs Of The Apocalypse: Paris Hilton Edition

Okay all of you greedy actors, call off your effin’ strike threat RIGHT NOW, because THIS is the kind of shizz that will happen if you don’t. Paris Hilton has an idea. Crap! What FAB timing that bitch has!

According to a Paris pal, Wonky got her annual idea watching both Dina Lohan’s and Denise Richards’ new reality series. Her plan? A show like The View. Only with celebs doing the yammering. Only God or the Screen Actors Guild can save us now.

Imagine Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, The Olsen Trolls, Tori Spelling…as well as skanky Denise, White Oprah Lohan and Nicole Richie along with whomever else they can scrape out of Hyde- together in one big shizstorm sharing ”their side” of what it’s like to be THEM. With Paris wearing a tiara. Bravo and Lifetime both have sniffed at the bait.

Snarkista doesn’t give a crap what it’s like to be them. She just wants them to keep it up so she can snark ’em! But a cluster of the insufferable, whining about the papz, is the last thing even SHE wants to see on TV. Please, for the sake of all that is holy, ACCEPT THE EFFIN’ OFFER ON THE TABLE, SAGGIES, and lets get on with the REAL acting.

Great. Snarkista’s got the damn sparkles. Here comes a giant migraine.