Christina Aguilera gains weight to draw attention away from hideous hair/tan combo

In the most clever camouflaging move I’ve ever seen, Christina Aguilera put on 20 pounds in an effort to keep the press distracted from the unfortunate fact that she has bright orange skin and white hair.  Christina, who showed up for a party at the Los Angeles County Museum of Art over the weekend, wore a form-fitting dress to draw attention to her newly acquired curves, and as every single member of the press took the bait, not a single one reported that she now looks like a photo negative of Smurfette.  Seriously, Christina should consider taking up a career as an illusionist – the media are so offended by her not being skeletal, she could have come out bald with a missing front tooth and a a weeping cold sore and no one would have noticed.  Those are some strong magic skills, there.