Madonna’s Not Going For That Re-Wedding To Guy

Madonna’s poor beleaguered publicist Liz Rosenberg has denied reports that Madge and husband Guy Ritchie are planning to renew their wedding vows. Duh! Those two are gonna split up right after her “Sticky and Sweet” money machine winds down this winter!

An article in British tabloid The Sun suggested the couple will remarry in a Kabbalah ceremony next month (Aug08), which will coincide with Madonna’s 50th birthday celebrations. But the singer’s longtime (and long-suffering) publicist Liz insists the story is bogus.

She says, “It’s complete fiction.” Yep. Just like brother Christopher Ciccone’s “self-authored” book! Seems like there’s quite a bit of fiction going on with Madonna these days. But hey, press is press, right Vadge?

Madonna Helped Her Brother Write Tell-All Book

Madonna reportedly helped her brother Christopher Ciccone write his tell-all biography about the pop superstar, according to salacious new reports. Madonna had said she was “devastated” by revelations about her career and personal life in Ciccone’s recently released book, ‘Life With My Sister Madonna’.

However, according to the NY Post’s gossip column Page Six, the singer actually had a part in writing chapters of the book herself! A source tells the publication:

“The supposed scandal about Christopher Ciccone’s book is bulls**t. “She (Madonna) actually ghost-wrote parts of it with him, the way Princess Diana helped Andrew Morton write his book on her. That’s why there’s nothing too devastating in Chris’ book. He’s mean to others, but not so much to his sister.

SCANDAL!!!! Madonna manipulating the press for her own benefit? Wow, THAT never happens. And… on Alex Rodriguiez…

She flirted with him and manipulated him, Page Six’s source continued. She didn’t count on wife Cynthia leaving him and naming her in the divorce, though. Madonna is using the buzz over her relationship with A-Rod to her benefit. She’s ordered three A-Rod Yankee jerseys she’ll wear in the finale of her upcoming shows. All of this was created to sell tickets for her tour, which hasn’t been selling so well.

Vadge is gonna either have to turn on her bro big-time, or suffer some serious bad press. Oh, wait a minute…all press is GOOD press to Madonna! She “wrote the book” so to say on exploiting the media!

A spokesman for Madonna has yet to comment on the reports.

Madonna’s Having A Meltdown

The stress of this past month and ALL of the drama is apparently taking its toll on Madonna. Vadge has fired two dancers and her tour manager is threatening to walk out over her crazy mood swings. Is the Material Girl becoming the Menopausal Grouch? Despite her fitness-junkie regime, her health has started to suffer.

Madonna is reportedly anemic, a big sign she is overdoing it. What with A-Rod, Guy, her brother Christopher’s tell-all book and trying to reunite Justin Timberlake and Britney on her plate, Snarkista’s not surprised. She’s also suffered a painful knee injury. So, Vadge has had a doctor, physiotherapist and a chiropractor on duty during rehearsals for her upcoming Sticky & Sweet world tour. And probably some Kaballah dude to keep her red strings tidy and the Kaballah water flowing.

This week the docs ordered her to cool it with the punishing dance routines because her body simply can NOT cope. She ain’t no spring chicken, y’all. She’s now taking a time-out, and resting up in the Hamptons with her close bud Gwyneth Paltrow. Gwyinnie better tiptoe around, because the strain has pushed Vadge’s famous mood swings to terrifying new extremes. A source close to Madonna said:

She is doing LESS than OK. She’s been rehearsing for the tour and she is totally miserable. She’s down physically and mentally. The situation with Guy is very, very tense. The way the press are going crazy with the A-Rod story, her brother’s book and her physical exhaustion are all taking their toll.

One of her closest pals says she has never seen Madonna so low. She says Vadge is feeling depressed and looking really gaunt. “Madonna was told to take it easy on work and rehearsals, so she will now take one day off every week and go easy in the mornings. She has a blood analysis done every few days — including one during last Friday’s rehearsal in front of everyone.” Madonna just couldn’t resist THAT drama!

Now might be a FAB time for Guy to duck back to England. Madonna with MORE mood swings, on forced rest, is gonna be even more of a capital-B beeyotch. If that’s even possible. She might just flip on out and eat him for lunch. With fava beans and a nice chianti.

Friday’s Fifteen Minutes

Friday! Yessss!! Time for Friday’s Fifteen Minutes, where z-listers get some press while they try to go for 20! Workin’ the pole today is Christopher Ciccone, Madonna’s leach brother-turned author! Now we all know the Madge machine is working overtime because of that Sticky and Sweet thing she’s got coming up. Snarkista’s not completely convinced that Chris isn’t part of Madonna’s evil PR plan. But she’ll play along and assume his new “tell-all” book about Madge is just about the money. For Chris. So he can get his freaky vampire teeth fixed.

Assume Snarkista would add “WTF?” after all of these, but actually doing so would get pretty boring. So…here’s some of the mud Christopher’s gonna sling at Madonna in his attempted literary coup de grâce :

*Warren Beatty went through her trash to find out if she was cheating on him. Mr. “You’re So Vain” was worried about someone cheating on HIM? Ahahahaha! Sorry. Back to the mud.

*She keeps a huge portrait of herself in bondage gear laying on a bed with dead animals in full view of the kids. PETA could probably go either way on this one.

* When Sean Penn was married to Madge, he made Chris cut his thumb and then cut his own and merged them to become blood brothers. Penn approached him years later and asked him if he had AIDS. Holy 3rd grade, diplomatico. Penn would SO do this. Back to the willing suspension of disbelief.

*Madonna considered letting Dennis Rodman and some dude from Melrose Place (not the show, the bad part of town) impregnate her, but then jumped on Carlos Leon when she met him in Central Park. Chris says she was concerned about his intelligence. Poor Lourdes.

*Guy Ritchie is a homophobe. This would explain SO effin’ much. Like sticking close to Vadge’s money while she raunches around with Brit-Brit.

*Madonna’s marriage is plagued by explosive fights and is held together only by a trusted rabbi who makes house calls. That poor guy must have his own room at the crib, ‘cuz why leave when you KNOW Madge is gonna be blowing up your phone!

Hopefully Chrissy’s rag has more great dirt like this shizz, someone will read it and tell Snarkista the good parts. Clock’s ticking, Chris!
UPDATE: Here’s quite a long excerpt from Chrissy’s book!