Cover Crimes: Scarlett Johannson Edition (Again.)

Behold Scarlett Johannson front and center on the soon-to-be extinct (yay!) Cosmogirl. Poor Scarlett has once again been talked into looking goofy for a magazine cover. Scarlett wants to Rock The Vote, so she’s dressed like a baton twirler on the Fourth of July even though it’s October. Star-spangled shorts-overalls aren’t quite as bad as formal shorts…but they are getting really close. Hopefully THIS is not one of “Fall’s Hottest Looks”, although there’s no way Snarkista will buy the mag to find out.

Snarkista thinks Scarlett is secretly celebrating the fact that Cosmogirl is going away for good! Skanky big sister mag Cosmopolitan is a monthly exercise of how many ways a cover can say “Sex”, or a derivative thereof. Cosmogirl couldn’t be QUITE as blatant due to it’s target market. There just aren’t that many ways to plug “sexy hair”, so the stumped editors have to close up shop. One less cover for Scarlett to get tricked into wearing the fug, and one less rag for mom and dad to worry about. And that’s a good thing.

Cover Crimes: Madonna Edition

Oh, where to start. Fug, fuggity, FUG!! Madonna looks like a matador collided with Bugs Bunny in a 9-year-old’s party dress. GHASTLY! Major Photoshop going on here; the party dress looks pasted on as an evil after-joke, and Madge’s freaky-pumped arms are WAY toned down. Madonna says “turning 50 is all about an excuse for a party”…Snarkista’s terrified about what kind she’s dressed for.

Women and Home is a UK mag; the title sounds like those cheapie housewife rags at the grocery checkout. Menopause IS an appropriate subject for Vadge to have slapped near her ass. Snarkista doubts, however, that she “loves men because they do stupid things”. Madonna EATS men who do stupid things. This rag’s not Vogue, that’s for sure!

First she gets Britney to film the nasty with her for the big screen, then she wrecks A-Rod’s marriage, and now she’s scaring the shizz out of housewives. Madonna’s taking her “Sticky and Sweet” world-domination attempt a bit far, no?

photo credit: knockedupcelebs’ taylorblue

Cover Crimes: Barack Obama Edition

The upcoming issue of the New Yorker, the July 21st issue, has a picture of Barack Obama, depicting him and wife Michelle on the cover. It shows Michelle with an Afro and an AK 47. and the two of them doing the fist bump. Barack is looking quite Middle Eastern, and is sporting some kind of turban-type thing on his head! Osama Bin Laden’s over the mantle, and the American flag is burning in the fireplace.

Politico reports that Barack, when told of the upcoming issue said:

“I have no response to that.”

But Michelle’s stylists will!

The magazine explains at the start of its news release previewing the issue: “On the cover of the July 21, 2008, issue of the The New Yorker, in ‘The Politics of Fear,’ artist Barry Blitt satirizes the use of scare tactics and misinformation in the Presidential election to derail Barack Obama’s campaign.”

I’m sure Senator Obama is THRILLED for The New Yorker’s help! Snarkista imagines the satiric New Yorker will be great fodder for fearmongers who will take it quite seriously. The Obama girls, however will be PISSED and are probably shooting a response video right now. Don’t cross those Obama girls, ‘cuz they will cut a bitch. With LIPGLOSS.