Crimes Against Fashion: Michelle Obama Edition

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Rarely is Snarkista speechless, but today she’s pretty damn close. Behold Michelle Obama in London, one of the fashion capitols of the world. Unfortunately, Miss Thang appears to have run through the notions department at Fabrics-R-Us following a vicious glue-gun fight.

“But,” you may say, “perhaps she was visiting Piccadilly Circus, and was tripped up by the ‘circus’ part?” No… sadly, this was Michelle’s pick to visit Westminster Abbey. Nothing says “reverence” like an homage to Bozo.

This getup makes the “black widow” election-night dress look positively regal. For those of you still hanging on to those “Jackie-O” comparisons, you may now let go.

Katy Perry Barfs At The Brits

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Katy Perry got super-sick after accepting the award for “Best International Female”. She had to rush backstage to throw up. Katy told the audience after winning her trophy:

“I’m so sick right now, but they said I should show up because something special might happen. Thank you to everyone at my record label.”

Tubby buddy Perez Hilton confirmed that she blew chunks, lovingly Twittering that he

“Just got a text from Katy. She had to leave the Brits after she won. She’s so sick that she puked backstage! ‘Punk rock.’ “

More like PUKE rock, girl. And no, despite what your eyes may tell you, Katy did NOT puke on her outfit. That’s just the way it’s supposed to look.

Crimes Against Fashion: Jessica Simpson Edition

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Holy mom-jeans, Jessica. No! This outfit absolutely gets a top-4 seed in the “Jessica Simpson Crimes Against Fashion Tournament and Chili Cookoff.” Which is sorta where Jessica was when she squeezed into THIS little number! A chili-cookoff, that is, doing her act in front of 3,000 actual people! It beats bingo halls and bowling alleys (actual J. Simp venues in the past 12 months).

Let’s see if these high-waisted denim-diapers look any better from the back.
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No they do not. A more stumpifying garment has yet to be created. And those suckers are chafing you so bad, you’re gonna be crying in the powder room, if you know what I mean.

Jessica, we ALL know you’re trying your damnedest to set the hook into Tony Romo’s football fortune, because you yammer about it onstage constantly. This is between yammering sessions to the press with TOO MUCH INFORMATION.

You’re probably DYING to be a mom and have a lil’ Tony. But please don’t confuse mom-jeans with motherhood, honey, or you’ll NEVER get there.

Crimes Against Fashion: Renee Zellweger Edition


Renee Zellweger had a fashion FAIL at the 66th Annual Golden Globe Awards this weekend…pairing a black fishtail dress with a transparent top with a white bra. WTF? Surely Renee had a mirror available whilst getting dressed for the Globes, but it sure doesn’t look like it. And her Bridget Jones hair doesn’t help any argument to the contrary!

Squinty pranced around on the red carpet showing off her booty too. Did somebody start her traditional Golden Globe imbibing of spirits a little early? Sure, everyone’s hammered by the end of the show, which usually makes for an entertaining watch- all the more reason to hold off at least until one is seated at one’s table. Renee? Basic foundations 101: Nothing but black underneath your black, especially if your black could double as a mosquito net. Which yours easily could, and therefore should be shipped to Africa immediately.

Crimes Against Fashion: Katie Holmes Edition (Again)


Sigh. Oh, Katie Holmes. Snarkista is naming you her winner for “Most Crimes Against Fashion 2008.” No, it won’t help you get a Tony Award. Are you not living in New York, arguably the fashion capital of the world? And is it not WINTER in New York? Even if the city’s experiencing a warm snap, there is NO excuse for this outfit. Wearing leggings, Snarkista’s most hated form of clothing is violation #1. Wearing leggings with SHORTS is violation #2. And wearing leggings and shorts with PUMPS is the third strike, making you OUT.

Not out like your hubby Tommy wants to have the gays be, with his proposal for a U.S. gay census like the UK has (for realz!). That’s a subject for another post, although it is QUITE amusing coming from Ms. Tom. No, Katie, just out like PLEASE DON’T GO OUT DRESSED LIKE THIS ANY MORE! You’re hogging all of the CAF awards. Pamela Anderson and Solange Knowles are getting pissed. Do not mess with Solange- she will cut a bitch. With FEATHERS!

Tom Cruise Gives Katie Holmes Hallucinogens For Her Birthday


Tom Cruise has been on a tour lately to try and convince us he’s normal. Guess what? Nice try, but EPIC FAIL. Tommy-Girl has been alluding for weeks that his birthday present for wife Katie Holmes was going to be really special. Oh, it’s special alright. Katie better haul ass.

Tom revealed his present to robot devoted Katie today… a Salvia divinorum mint plant in full blossom! Ah, mint, you say. Great for cooking! Tommy will be making some “special tea” for Katie soon. He found a small specimen of the plant, known as “the Sage of the Seers,” in an East Village WITCHCRAFT store. The plant is indigenous to Mexico and was and is used by shamans of the Mazatec Indians for its ability to create visions and hallucinations. Just what every woman dreams of! VIVIDLY.

Look for Katie to commit more “crimes against fashion” soon, yet in a much more colorful way. Happy Birthday, “Kate”!

An Open Letter To Pamela Anderson

Dear Pamela Anderson,
You are almost 40. Your ladybits are wailing right now, as you are using a glittery leotard as a garrote on them. It is December, and this is your second violation this week. Consider looking into pants? To wear, just so we’re clear.
With concern for the global Monistat supply,
Snarkista