Crimes Against Fashion: Victoria Beckham Edition

Holy insufferability, Victoria Beckham! What is UP with THIS jet-set outfit? You look like a cross between The Fly and Karl Lagerfeld. No, really. Those are Karl’s sunglasses, and he wants them back. Tom Hanks wants his Polar Express cap back too, and PETA is coming for that heinous coat- er, dress -uh, torso-cover. Swat ’em off with your giant Poshpurse. Hopefully you aren’t wearing those ridiculous boots with no heels so you can RUN.

Yeah. These boots.

Crimes Against Fashion: Mel B (Scary Spice) Edition

WOAH. Melanie Brown, they didn’t call you Scary Spice for nothing. What the fug are you wearing???! Guess the recession’s even hurting sci-fi costume designers, because the ingredients here cost about $6.99. Don’t think about getting NEAR Natalie Portman in this crap. She’d look down her nose on you anyways, but why give her more ammo? You’d get voted off the starship in a nanosecond. And why is that black snake curled up on your head?

The security dude behind you looks like he just got sucker-punched. The people behind the barricade are LAUGHING or in mid-WHA?, except for the lady with her eyes closed. She’s been blinded by the glare from the cheap satin. Lets see if this getup gets better when you pose WITH someone.

Wow. No it does not. Even though you managed to find the guy in the ugliest jacket, he comes out the winner in this pairing. He is thanking GOD you came along last night, so that the coat made from his daughter’s old Christmas dress isn’t getting any press. Much.

Katie Holmes On “Eli Stone”: Yikes.

Oh, help. Snarkista told Katie Holmes NO to this look back in July as Katie was filming a cameo for Eli Stone. She HOPED it would not have been captured on film, but was just another of Katie’s Crimes Against Fashion. Sadly, it WAS her look on the show. Katie’s not a real great singer either. Check out the preview…this is a MESS! No, Katie! NO!!!!!

Crimes Against Fashion: Katie Holmes Edition

Katie Holmes stepped out again in NYC with daughter Suri, wearing some HEINOUS looking leggings. As you know all too well, Snarkista loathes leggings. Especially ones that look like they’re made from a cheap pleather couch! Katie is a tall girl, yet manages to stumpify herself incredibly in THIS getup. When will they learn? Leggings are the devil’s garment!

Crimes Against Fashion: Victoria Beckham Edition

Behold David and Victoria Beckham at the Manhattan launch of their his and hers fragrances. 2,000 fans came out in the rain for this extremely important event. Becks looks fab, as usual, and thus is NOT a perpetrator of a Crime Against Fashion.

No, it’s Victoria, in $6,600 Antonio Berardi thigh-high latex boots with no heel. Yep, no heel. These have to be the fugliest boots Snarkista has ever seen, and are off the charts on the ridiculous-meter. Victoria’s designer pal Marc Jacobs started this insanity. Marc is ALWAYS doing something crazy. But other designers have now followed, and justify the absence of a heel by saying a heel is purely psychological, that the bigger than normal platform balances the heels. Right.

Unfortunately, the absence of a heel does NOT balance the idiotic look for the beholder. Snarkista would LOVE to see Posh walking in these. Her usual sourpuss face might be replaced with a look of terror!

photo credit: Grazia Fashion UK

Crimes Against Fashion: Alyssa Milano At The Emmys Edition

Or is it? The AP, E!, and all of the blogs say this is Alyssa. Alyssa fans say it’s Christina De Rossi. No correction yet from the AP, but NO correction could correct this horrifying getup! If it makes you feel better, substitute “Christina” in your mind every time you see “Alyssa” in this post.

When ruffles attack! Bjork should feel great about this. Alyssa Milano has officially joined Bjork as a swan, and Lara Flynn Boyle as a ballerina, in the Red Carpet Fugliest Hall Of Fame. Starlets everywhere are breathing huge sighs of relief. There is virtually NO danger of topping this heinousness for years.

What exactly IS this costume? Mae West comes back from the dead to straighten out Ryan Seacrest? An environmentalist statement encouraging the use of fans instead of air-conditioning? Wild-west bordello girl faking virginity on her wedding day? A Project Runway assignment using toilet paper and a giant pair of Spanxx? This HAD to have come from one of those awful prom-dress catalogs that come when you’re a junior in high-school. All Alyssa is missing is a parasol, but holding the fan-shaped purse is a fitting second choice.

Whomever designed this disaster is BEGGING for witness protection as we speak. “Crimes against fashion DO qualify. I’ll name names. Deep undercover, PLEASE. North Dakota will be fine. Hell yes, I’ll dress as a member of the opposite sex. But hurry the F*** up! Tim Gunn is stalking me and he’s packing one BADASS pair of scissors!”

Crimes Against Fashion: Katy Perry & The Trannycats Edition

Betty Boop called and wants her Christmas outfit back, Katy. Miz girl-kisser joined the blindness-inducing Pussycat Dolls on the Today Show this morning. Jesse McCartney is squeezing his buttcheeks as hard as he can ‘cuz being the meat in a Trannycat sandwich is effin’ SCARY! Katy thinks they are REAL girls, hence the oblivious smile. If you wanna see a real girl group with real girls, Katy, check out Girls Aloud! The best way to spot the counterfeits is to study the genuine…just like bank tellers do. See, it works!

photo credit: