Ali Lohan: Nevermind

Last week reports circulated that momager Dina Lohan had turned down famed producer Johnny Wright’s offer to manage her youngest daughter Ali’s “music career”. For those of you fortunate enough not to have heard 15-year old Ali’s singing, you may have wondered why Dina would turn down such a great opportunity…as Dina is the queen of opportunists!

Those of you who HAVE heard Ali “sing”, will completely understand why Johnny Wright put out this statement this morning.

“Johnny Wright has never met with Ali Lohan, has never been introduced to Ali Lohan, nor has he had a meeting with Ali or Dina Lohan regarding Ali’s music career. While he wishes Ali Lohan the best in all her endeavors, Mr. Wright has never had any intention of speaking with Ali Lohan regarding her career. Any story that has surfaced about such a meeting holds no merit and is completely false.

“Wright Entertainment Group has never had any interest or intention of adding Ali Lohan as an artist on the company’s roster, which currently includes Justin Timberlake, Jonas Brothers, Janet Jackson and Ciara amongst others.”

Ouch. NO surprise, but ouch. Guess Dina’s latest publicity grab backfired on her. Shocker!

Dina Lohan Screws Ali Again

Momager Dina Lohan has once again proved that she’s a moron. A greedy moron, at that. Even though daughter Ali Lohan sucks at singing, music manager Johnny Wright reportedly wanted Ali to be a management client, and help her with her “music career.”

Johnny isn’t some no-name dude. He manages the Jonas Brothers, Danity Kane, and formerly managed N*Sync and The Backstreet Boys. Hmmm. Let’s see. The Jonas Brothers seem like they’re enjoying a good bit of success these days! Danity Kane’s not doing too poorly either. N*Sync and The Backstreet Boys paved the way for the JoBros, and blew the doors off of the music biz.

Reportedly, Dina thinks she can do a better job of exploiting managing Ali than Johnny would. And, Dina wants to keep the 100% management fee she gets from Ali’s “career”. Newsflash, Dina. 100% of nothing = nothing. A few months ago, Ali released her debut song “All the Way Around.” It made ZERO impression on the music industry, and music lovers. Click the link if you want to hear why, but be forewarned…get the duct tape out first and secure your head.

Maybe Dina’s really done everyone a favor. By continuing to “manage” Ali’s singing “career”, she’s keeping us from having to hear her on the radio. Come to think of it- thanks, Dina! Good luck with Ali’s supermodel career too!

Lindsay Lohan Wants To Turn Your Ass Orange

Recently, Lindsay Lohan made her foray into the fashion world with her cameltoe legging-wear. She thoughtfully designed some with KNEEPADS. Now, Lindsay wants to help you be tanorexic.

Lindsay’s coming out with a line of fake tanner, a product she’s intimately familiar with! As Lindsay’s natural skin color is Fishbelly, fake tanner has been a MUST for her to blend in all of those freckles. Mama Dina Lohan probably used the orange juice on little Lindsay instead of baby lotion, and her hands are all over THIS product launch!

Dina’s no stranger to the faux sunglow…look at any of her pictures. Dina likes to call herself the “White Oprah”, but honestly, she’s “Orange Oprah.” Snarkista apologizes to Oprah for the reference, but please don’t shoot the messenger.

Look for Lindsay’s fake-tan to carry a hefty price tag just like her heinous leggings. Perhaps she’ll blog about it, since Barack Obama said “thanks but no thanks” to Lindsay’s campaign endorsement, leaving LiLo with more free time. Surely it will have prominent product-placement on “Living Lohan”, and thirty fifteen year-old Ali will be forced to slather up to promote her career as a Supermodel. Will SamRo get the glow too? Exfoliate first!

Ali Lohan: Not A Supermodel.

What the eff is Supermodels magazine? Obviously it is SO elite that no one Snarkista knows has ever seen it. This would explain why Ali Lohan is gracing it’s cover…if one wants to put it that way. Those America’s Next Top Models (and Tila Tequila?!) in the collage are PISSED at Dina Lohan for paying Ali’s way in. Lindsay’s pissed that Ali’s not wearing her insane legging collection.

Ali poses about as well as a John Casablancas reject, and those hos will take anyone. ‘Cuz you have to pay THEM rather than the genuine supermodel way where the model GETS paid. This shizz is almost as fug as Heidi Montag’s new video. Almost. Ali wins ONLY because she’s not singing and the pics aren’t blurry. Thank God this won’t be staring back at us from the magazine racks, but Dina has PLENTY of copies if you want one.

Dina Lohan Has Ali Audition For Famed Porn Producer

Ah, good times! The last episode of Living Lohan has White Oprah at her finest! Mom (and Snarkista uses the term lightly here) Dina Lohan’s insatiable famewhore-ness is well documented. Dina is kind of a ready, fire, aim gal. She’s been busy promoting youngest daughter Ali Lohan’s “singing career”. Ali is lame, shocker. If you want to torture yourself, you can listen here.

So, Dina is relentlessly pursuing ALL possible avenues of exploitation for Ali, and had her audition for a movie part! All, of course, is filmed for future exploitative use on Living Lohan. Dina tells the camera she is worried about whether they will judge Ali for herself, and not compare her to Lindsay. Which is what she always says whenever cameras are rolling. What she failed to worry about OR check up on, is that Ali auditioned for Peter Davy, legendary PORN director and producer! Peter vast repertoire includes “Breast Wishes 14” and “Bun Busters 12.” Ali was supposedly auditioning for a horror movie. Ooops.

Natch, shizz hitteth fan, while tape rolls for Living Lohan. Great managing, mom! Dina says Ali was auditioning for an upcoming role in a movie called “Troll”, and if she’d known Davy’s past she wouldn’t have let her audition. Dina says don’t blame her! PUHLEEEZE!! Google much, Dina? Of all the stage-moms in Hollywood, DINA should know. Oh, and apparently Ali GOT the role and IS going to work with porny Peter Davy! Clear the mantle for another “mom of the year” award!!

Signs Of The Apocalypse: Paris Hilton Edition

Okay all of you greedy actors, call off your effin’ strike threat RIGHT NOW, because THIS is the kind of shizz that will happen if you don’t. Paris Hilton has an idea. Crap! What FAB timing that bitch has!

According to a Paris pal, Wonky got her annual idea watching both Dina Lohan’s and Denise Richards’ new reality series. Her plan? A show like The View. Only with celebs doing the yammering. Only God or the Screen Actors Guild can save us now.

Imagine Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, The Olsen Trolls, Tori Spelling…as well as skanky Denise, White Oprah Lohan and Nicole Richie along with whomever else they can scrape out of Hyde- together in one big shizstorm sharing ”their side” of what it’s like to be THEM. With Paris wearing a tiara. Bravo and Lifetime both have sniffed at the bait.

Snarkista doesn’t give a crap what it’s like to be them. She just wants them to keep it up so she can snark ’em! But a cluster of the insufferable, whining about the papz, is the last thing even SHE wants to see on TV. Please, for the sake of all that is holy, ACCEPT THE EFFIN’ OFFER ON THE TABLE, SAGGIES, and lets get on with the REAL acting.

Great. Snarkista’s got the damn sparkles. Here comes a giant migraine.