Madonna’s Bandage Bondage: Please Just Stop

Obviously, Madonna has NO intention of growing old gracefully. The Ancient One got strapped, wrapped and laced into a crazy getup to promote her album, Hard Candy. Look for this outfit to show up on Britney Spears in the near future.

Madonna’s sporting bandages around her chest and wrists, in an attempt to appear sexy or tough. Girl, you look good for 50, but PLEASE PUT SOME CLOTHES ON. You are embarrassing an entire generation. Surely Lourdes and Rocco are hiding somewhere right now muttering “I hate my mom, I hate my mom…”. Parents are naturally cringe-inducing, Madonna. Don’t make it worse than it already is.

Lourdes Having To Be The Grownup In Madonna’s Divorce

Poor Lourdes Leon, being Madonna’s daughter has gotta be a rough gig. It’s embarrassing enough to have your mom writhing all over the stage when she’s 50 years old. It’s gotta suck when Madge appropriates Lourdes’ look too. Which she does, and it makes The Material One look even more desperate.

Apparently things have gotten even worse, as 12 year-old Lourdes is having to act as a peacemaker between Madonna and soon-to-be ex hubby Guy Ritchie. Lourdes already has to put up with Madonna’s strained relationship with her father, Carlos Leon.

So, Madonna and Guy are reportedly set for an early divorce…after Lourdes played the mediator. Vadge is said to be close to finalizing the split from her filmmaker husband after announcing their marriage is over earlier this month. The settlement is attempting to be amicable, for Lourdes sake.

The UK’s News of the World reports that: “Lourdes is heartbroken. Although Guy isn’t her biological dad, she loves him to pieces and loves living with him in London. She wants to visit Guy as often as possible. She’s known him for most of her life, after all.”

The NOTW source says that Madge thinks the couple’s other children, 8 year-old Rocco, and adopted 3 year-old David Banda, are too young to understand the divorce. Yeah. Whatever makes you feel better.

“Lourdes has begged her parents to keep it friendly, adding: “Lourdes is more worldy wise… and she got very upset. She knows how it might go because of the sometimes strained relationship her mum has had with her birth father.”

No shocker that Madonna’s behaving like a two year-old. She’s reportedly gathered up the things she still has that are Guy’s, or gifts from Guy, and is going to BURY THEM. In the dirt. They’re emitting some kind of anti-Kabbalah vibe that will kill Madonna if she doesn’t put ’em six feet under.

Madge has to have a Krazy Kabbalah counselor with her 24/7 to help her keep her shizz together. Hopefully Lourdes will get a REAL counselor, ‘cuz she’s gonna need one.

Upside Of Madonna’s Divorce: Christmas For The Kids!

Madonna’s soon-to-be ex-husband Guy Ritchie is overjoyed to be rid of the Material One for SO many reasons. Just look how happy he was on his recent birthday without her! One upside of the split that will probably be nice for the kids…Christmas could finally be coming! Madonna’s Krazy Kabbalah BANS Christmas, so the kids have missed out on a lot of potential joy. Guy wasn’t ever too keen on the cult, and now that he’s out of Madge’s clutches, he plans on giving the kids a traditional English Christmas.

NOT to be disobeyed, Madonna The Grinch is reportedly gonna fight Guy on this one. What a crusty old bird! Scrooge needs to pay her a visit this year. The UK Mirror says:

“Christmas doesn’t exist in the Madonna household because of Kabbalah. Guy will be really looking forward to introducing the kids to Christmas for the first time. He won’t go overboard as that would just confuse them. But he’ll just want to treat them to a low-key day with proper festive fun.”

No surprise, Madonna’s lawyers are “working on a compromise”. Let it go, Madge. Joy is a GOOD thing.

Madonna And Guy May Announce Divorce Today

UPDATE: It’s official. Madonna’s beleaguered rep Liz Rozenberg announced that Madonna and Guy Ritchie are divorcing after 7 1/2 years together. In a statement co-signed by Ritchie’s representative and e-mailed to The Associated Press, Liz says the couple had not agreed to a settlement yet. US Magazine is ALSO reporting that Madonna and Alex Rodriguez are “definitely romantic”. Shocker.

Snarkista told you back in June that Madonna and Guy Ritchie’s marriage was on the rocks, and that a divorce announcement wouldn’t come until near or after the end of her Sticky and Sweet tour. The Sun and The New York Post are both saying today that Madonna and Guy will divorce, and that a statement has been prepared. The announcement could come today.

Krazy Kabbalah apparently failed to save their troubled marriage failed and they have decided to call it quits. The divorce may proceed through the British courts as Madonna and Guy primarily live in England. It will surely involve a multi-million dollar settlement. Things have reportedly become so tense she couldn’t wait until the end of her tour, and wants the split to be done with by Christmas. Good luck with THAT, ye old money factory. (Maybe Madonna’s hoping Alex Rodriguez willl show up in her stocking.) The Times Online says Madonna should reconsider filing in England, however:

Madonna may think twice about filing for divorce in England, as a string of high profile have settlements won London the reputation of being the divorce capital of the world – for the poorer partner in a marriage. “New York might be a better place in terms of what she might have to pay out,” said Elizabeth Baghurst, associate at Boodle Hatfield in Oxford. “For someone like Madonna, who is very wealthy, the UK is not at the present time thought to be a good place to have your divorce, as the payouts are big. “She would have to meet the residency requirements to fall under New York jurisdiction, but she has a home there (a £2m apartment overlooking Central Park).”

Guy Richie tellingly failed to show up for the premiere of Filth and Wisdom, a comedy that was directed by his wife. (Bomb.) The couple have three children, Lourdes Leon, 12, Madonna’s daughter with former personal trainer Carlos Leon, their son Rocco Ritchie, 8, and adopted son David Banda, 2.

Guy probably got tired of being punched up and down by Madonna’s freaky pumped-up arms and being threatened by her handgun shoes.

Madonna Might Have A Little OCD

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder…when one feels compelled to repeat actions over and over, often washing and cleaning accompanied by phobias about germs. Madonna may have some OCD, and is definitely a germaphobe who doesn’t trust the maid to clean the toilets properly! Her phobias were center stage in her hotel in Nice, France. Vadge had all the toilets taken OUT, sanitized, and reinstalled before her recent Sticky and Sweet concert there. Additionally, In Touch magazine quotes an “insider” as saying:

Madonna is still the reigning queen of pop, so it’s not surprising that she’s picky about her thrones — especially when it comes to public toilets. Before her concert at the Palais Nakaia concert hall in Nice, France, on August 26, the singer had all of the commodes, showers and sinks removed, scrubbed down and then reinstalled. Everyone thinks she did this because she hates the thought of dirty and germy things. During her tour last year, a man stole some of the toilets from the Madonna tour and sold them on eBay for nearly $8,000!

Holy crap! (Pardon the pun). Snarkista would have to take a pass on expensive Madonna-crappers on eBay. Vadge admits she has some control issues. Ya think?!

“Guy tells me to loosen up. My friends do, too, but I can’t. I’ve always been this way.

Unless Kaballah is like Scientology and hates psychiatrists, Madonna should ring one up! With a tour named Sticky and Sweet, the gunk must be everywhere, and driving her crazy. Okay, even MORE crazy.

Madonna’s Not Going For That Re-Wedding To Guy

Madonna’s poor beleaguered publicist Liz Rosenberg has denied reports that Madge and husband Guy Ritchie are planning to renew their wedding vows. Duh! Those two are gonna split up right after her “Sticky and Sweet” money machine winds down this winter!

An article in British tabloid The Sun suggested the couple will remarry in a Kabbalah ceremony next month (Aug08), which will coincide with Madonna’s 50th birthday celebrations. But the singer’s longtime (and long-suffering) publicist Liz insists the story is bogus.

She says, “It’s complete fiction.” Yep. Just like brother Christopher Ciccone’s “self-authored” book! Seems like there’s quite a bit of fiction going on with Madonna these days. But hey, press is press, right Vadge?

Madonna Helped Her Brother Write Tell-All Book

Madonna reportedly helped her brother Christopher Ciccone write his tell-all biography about the pop superstar, according to salacious new reports. Madonna had said she was “devastated” by revelations about her career and personal life in Ciccone’s recently released book, ‘Life With My Sister Madonna’.

However, according to the NY Post’s gossip column Page Six, the singer actually had a part in writing chapters of the book herself! A source tells the publication:

“The supposed scandal about Christopher Ciccone’s book is bulls**t. “She (Madonna) actually ghost-wrote parts of it with him, the way Princess Diana helped Andrew Morton write his book on her. That’s why there’s nothing too devastating in Chris’ book. He’s mean to others, but not so much to his sister.

SCANDAL!!!! Madonna manipulating the press for her own benefit? Wow, THAT never happens. And… on Alex Rodriguiez…

She flirted with him and manipulated him, Page Six’s source continued. She didn’t count on wife Cynthia leaving him and naming her in the divorce, though. Madonna is using the buzz over her relationship with A-Rod to her benefit. She’s ordered three A-Rod Yankee jerseys she’ll wear in the finale of her upcoming shows. All of this was created to sell tickets for her tour, which hasn’t been selling so well.

Vadge is gonna either have to turn on her bro big-time, or suffer some serious bad press. Oh, wait a minute…all press is GOOD press to Madonna! She “wrote the book” so to say on exploiting the media!

A spokesman for Madonna has yet to comment on the reports.