Photoshop Awards: Jessica Alba Edition

Behold new mom Jessica Alba, posing for a new Campari calendar. Jessica wants us to think she’s shed every ounce of preggo, and is once again, perfection of body. Enter Photoshop guru! He’s nipped a few off of her hips, and made sure that Jessica is NOT smiling, even a little. ‘Cuz that is how she rolls. Also…boob lift! Ahhh, if Photoshop could only live in Snarkista’s closet. Santa?!

Free Jessica Alba By Registering To Vote

Jessica Alba stars in a new ad from Declare Yourself urging people to vote. Jessica is in bondage, and needs for you to free her by registering. That duct tape is gonna hurt like hell when they pull it off. Pull fast! If you aren’t registered to vote, do it today. An election is a terrible thing to waste.

to register online!

Jessica Alba Gets Married, Possibly Smiles

Jessica Alba and classy Cash Warren have tied the knot, but did it quietly. I’m sure that was an important part of the press release to People Magazine. Jessica doesn’t want you to think of her as joyful…that would involve actual smiling and violate some contract. The knot tying took place yesterday, and was so QUIET we don’t know where it occurred. Jessica and Cash have been engaged since last December, and as you probably know- a little girl is quickly on her way. Cheers to the quiet, sort of glad, er-okay couple!
UPDATE: Appears the knot was tied at the romantic Beverly Hills courthouse, without guests, Alba in a dark blue dress, Cash in brown pants. An arch of fake greenery and fake flowers WAS present. Ah, love.