Jessica Simpson on 'Oprah'

“Sexually it was crazy… It was like napalm, sexual napalm,” John Mayer told Playboy of his relationship with Jessica Simpson.  Mayer also compared Simpson to “a drug… like crack cocaine.”

Appearing on The Oprah Winfrey Show, Jessica Simpson said she is “disappointed” in ex-boyfriend John Mayer for dishing about their sex life. “I don’t want people to know how I am in bed,” Simpson tells Oprah.

In the interview, scheduled to air on Wednesday, Simpson also speaks with Oprah about the public response to her weight gain last year. “I love my curves,” Simpson says. “I’m not going to ever be size 0, and I don’t want to weigh 90 pounds.”

Honestly though, after being called “sexual napalm” in bed by John Mayer, we’re doubting Jessica Simpson is going to have any trouble keeping the guys out there drooling over her, no matter how ‘curvy’ she is.

>> Previously:  John Mayer Racist Penis Jokes a Flacid Fail

John Mayer (Photo: Truejustice - Source: Wikimedia Commons)

In a racy interview with Playboy, John Mayer spilled far too much information about his sex life, especially his trysting with plastic girl Jessica Simpson.

“That girl is like crack cocaine to me,” Mayer said. “Sexually it was crazy. That’s all I’ll say. It was like napalm, sexual napalm. Did you ever say, ‘I want to quit my life and just f—ing snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to f–k you, I would start selling all my s–t just to keep f—ing you.’”

If that weren’t enough to make you want to reach for the eye bleach, Mayer went on to talk about how his penis is racist when asked if he’s ever dated a black woman. “My dick is sort of like a white supremacist,” Mayer said. “I’ve got a Benetton heart and a f—in David Duke cock. I’m going to start dating separately from my dick.”

Even though his dick apparently shudders at the thought of getting it on with non-Caucasian women, Mayer apparently thinks the feeling is not mutual.

“I am a very…I’m just very. V-E-R-Y,” Mayer said. “And if you can’t handle very, then I’m a douche bag. But I think the world needs a little very. That’s why black people love me.”

Not only do we not need to hear that John Mayer would happily pay Jessica Simpson to be his prostitute, we really don’t need to know his penis is a racist (which, being attached to your body, pretty much says you are too John). Who the hell says this kind of shit and doesn’t know he sounds like the world’s biggest asshat? Seriously, John Mayer needs to park the crazy juice and zip it before he ends up being a bigger joke than Mel Gibson.

>> Previously:  John Mayer Says He’s Never Gotten Over Breakup with Jennifer Aniston

John Mayer 'Rolling Stone' Cover (Photo: RollingStone.com)

“I’ve never really gotten over it,” John Mayer told Rolling Stone. “It was one of the worst times of my life.”

Mayer and Aniston hooked up in 2008, but the relationship was always rocky. In his Rolling Stone interview, Mayer shoulders a lot of the blame for the breakup with ‘America’s Sweetheart’. “I’m the asshole,” he said. “I burned the American flag. I basically murdered an ideal.”

“All I want to do now is f— the girls I’ve already f—ed, because I can’t fathom explaining myself to somebody who can’t believe I’d be interested in them,” Mayer said of his current dating life. “I’m too freaked out to meet anybody else.”

Reading the interview, it’s obvious John Mayer doesn’t think all that highly of himself or his serious of messy relationships with women. Mayer backed up his self-recrimination with a post to his Twitter feed saying: “Just read my Rolling Stone cover article. I’m still not sure if I would want to hang out with me.”

Check out the latest issue of Rolling Stone for the full interview with John Mayer – and way more information than you needed about his personal life.

>> Previously:  Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler Kissing at Golden Globes?

Geez you need a scorecard to keep up with John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston, but Stalker doesn’t seem to be able to hold on to the lady-lovin’ Mayer despite her best P.I. efforts.

A source says that the pair’s on-again, off-again relationship may have ended when Aniston returned from overseas, where she was promoting the heartbreaking Marley & Me. She returned sometime within the last week.

“He broke up with her when she got back from her European tour,” the source told E!. You KNOW this has utterly ruined the life of any future Aniston beau, as the stalker instinct in her soul has just gotten a turbo-boost. She knew better than to leave him by himself!

Stalker managed to drag John to the Oscars to ward of the mighty powers of Brangelina, but he must have bolted shortly afterwards. Of course, the respective reps are mum, because Stalker has threatened to cut their tongues out if they dare speak. This is not a new policy.

One pal (Courtney Cox for sure) warns that we shouldn’t be quick to assume the two are through for good because they’re both fickle as 2 year-olds. Yawn. Wake me when something exciting happens between these 2 oxygen suckers, like if Stalker ever gets preggers or John marries his guitar.

Apparently, Stalker Aniston couldn’t deal with being single when the films came out, while Brangelina would be strutting the red carpet together. Jen had spilt (briefly) with John Mayer at the time, and assistants were called in to find her a ‘replacement’. An insider spilled that:

She didn’t want to face the glare of being unattached while Brad Pitt toted Angelina Jolie around. She did not want to be single when her movie opened.

Well, this news is WAY more embarrassing than a solo red carpet walk! Jen and John are back together, but John must be wondering WHY. Don’t worry, John. Jen won’t let you out of her sight, as usual. You’ll get PLENTY of attention.

Jennifer has a big task to tackle if she wants to tame Mayer’s famous womanizing. John is reportedly trying to throw Jen off the trail by promising her that he’ll quit smoking and cut down on drinking in order to give their romance another shot. Red herring! Jen’s friends were glad she dumped John, and have been scratching their heads as to why they seem to be reunited. Getting pregnant is NEVER a good reason to try and salvage a relationship, and Snarkista thinks marriage should come before babies.

Aniston’s wanted to be a mom for a very long time, however, so if the rumor is true…maybe she’ll finally have that little someone she’s been hoping for. Just don’t let John Mayer make his funny faces at the baby, it will scar the poor thing for life. Stay tuned.

Aniston will play Claire Harper, Liz Lemon’s (Tina Fey) former roommate who shows up and latches on to Jack Donaghy (Alec Baldwin). Tina Fey’s WAY excited, and says The Stalker has “mad skills”. Hell, YEAH she does! Just ask the exes!!

Angelina Jolie told Brad Pitt “not to bother” returning to their rented Chateau Miraval in Provence, France, after he left to spend the night up the coast at a place owned by U2′s Bono. BAD MOVE BRO! Especially after you had that little chit-chat comforting Jennifer (Stalker) Aniston after John Mayer took off. Angie’s hormones are on turboboost and you’re off kickin’ it at Bono’s crib.

In Touch magazine’s latest issue has an insider revealing the shocking news that Angelina’s nerves are shattered, and “she has been screaming at Brad over the tiniest things.” According to sources, she is exhausted. Her house is a mess, toys and clothes are scattered everywhere.

“Angie is tired all the time. Knox wakes up, and (she) will spend an hour feeding and then changing him, and then Viv wakes up as Knox is going to sleep. Then, by the time Angelina has fed and changed Viv, she has about 10 minutes to sleep before it all starts over again,” another insider alleges.

Angelina gave birth to the twins on July 12. They also have 3 other children. 5 kids, all under 7 years old, two of them infants. Looks like Saint Angelina has at least been temporarily cured of wanting to adopt the world. Nanny!

The mags had them virtually married off, with covers last week showing Jennifer in wedding gowns. Big, big mistake. Fire the publicist. Stalker might has well have gotten her shotgun out. Er, Snarkista guesses that in a way, she did. Saint Angelina and the holy twins made her snap, and she went into a full-court press.

Apparently Johnny wasn’t ready to commit to Jen at THAT level. And Jen just went and got her lips all pouted up! All those expensive beauty treatments (neccessary “tune-ups” according to Jen) weren’t enough to keep John at home. Shocker. Flypaper broke ALL the rules of snagging a man by freaking when he talked to other girls, stalking him night and day, talking about getting hitched, and trying to get preggers.

Learn something from this, Jen. Get the ring, keep it low-key, and hopefully make it down the aisle first. And don’t tell your “friends” all of your scoop ‘cuz they’ll run it to the Tabs and scare off your man!

Stalker Jennifer Aniston is about to turn 40 and is dating 10-year younger John Mayer. All the tabs and mags have Jen waltzing down the aisle with John this year (but not Snarkista). John’s a known flirt, which only inflames Jen’s flypaper tendencies. So…what’s a middle-aged woman to do? Trout pout, natch.

Looks like Stalker’s been up in the Restylane a bit! Behold the pics above; the left one’s from 2005, and the right one’s from the other day. Go ahead, click ‘em and check it out up close. Not that the obvious work needs to be magnified. Ah, the slippery slope beckoneth. The work apparently took place in early July, when Jen hid out in the weeks before the birth of ex-husband Brad Pitt’s messiahs twins with Angelina Jolie.

‘It seems obvious she had some work done,’ a “close friend” told the UK Daily Mail, noting her lips had a ‘stiff, unnatural pucker that just didn’t fit the rest of her face’. SO true, but if Snarkista were Jennifer, she’d cut that “friend” loose ASAP! AND, cut the bitch on her way out!!

The “friend” also said Jen confided that she has indeed undergone a number of lip-boosting procedures. Confided. Dang. That is effin’ pitiful. Stalker used to have better Friends.