Lourdes Having To Be The Grownup In Madonna’s Divorce

Poor Lourdes Leon, being Madonna’s daughter has gotta be a rough gig. It’s embarrassing enough to have your mom writhing all over the stage when she’s 50 years old. It’s gotta suck when Madge appropriates Lourdes’ look too. Which she does, and it makes The Material One look even more desperate.

Apparently things have gotten even worse, as 12 year-old Lourdes is having to act as a peacemaker between Madonna and soon-to-be ex hubby Guy Ritchie. Lourdes already has to put up with Madonna’s strained relationship with her father, Carlos Leon.

So, Madonna and Guy are reportedly set for an early divorce…after Lourdes played the mediator. Vadge is said to be close to finalizing the split from her filmmaker husband after announcing their marriage is over earlier this month. The settlement is attempting to be amicable, for Lourdes sake.

The UK’s News of the World reports that: “Lourdes is heartbroken. Although Guy isn’t her biological dad, she loves him to pieces and loves living with him in London. She wants to visit Guy as often as possible. She’s known him for most of her life, after all.”

The NOTW source says that Madge thinks the couple’s other children, 8 year-old Rocco, and adopted 3 year-old David Banda, are too young to understand the divorce. Yeah. Whatever makes you feel better.

“Lourdes has begged her parents to keep it friendly, adding: “Lourdes is more worldy wise… and she got very upset. She knows how it might go because of the sometimes strained relationship her mum has had with her birth father.”

No shocker that Madonna’s behaving like a two year-old. She’s reportedly gathered up the things she still has that are Guy’s, or gifts from Guy, and is going to BURY THEM. In the dirt. They’re emitting some kind of anti-Kabbalah vibe that will kill Madonna if she doesn’t put ’em six feet under.

Madge has to have a Krazy Kabbalah counselor with her 24/7 to help her keep her shizz together. Hopefully Lourdes will get a REAL counselor, ‘cuz she’s gonna need one.

Upside Of Madonna’s Divorce: Christmas For The Kids!

Madonna’s soon-to-be ex-husband Guy Ritchie is overjoyed to be rid of the Material One for SO many reasons. Just look how happy he was on his recent birthday without her! One upside of the split that will probably be nice for the kids…Christmas could finally be coming! Madonna’s Krazy Kabbalah BANS Christmas, so the kids have missed out on a lot of potential joy. Guy wasn’t ever too keen on the cult, and now that he’s out of Madge’s clutches, he plans on giving the kids a traditional English Christmas.

NOT to be disobeyed, Madonna The Grinch is reportedly gonna fight Guy on this one. What a crusty old bird! Scrooge needs to pay her a visit this year. The UK Mirror says:

“Christmas doesn’t exist in the Madonna household because of Kabbalah. Guy will be really looking forward to introducing the kids to Christmas for the first time. He won’t go overboard as that would just confuse them. But he’ll just want to treat them to a low-key day with proper festive fun.”

No surprise, Madonna’s lawyers are “working on a compromise”. Let it go, Madge. Joy is a GOOD thing.

Britney Can’t Go On Tour With Madonna, Y’all.

Ding-dang, y’all, Britney Spears just got cut from Madonna’s Sticky and Sweet bodybuilding concert tour. Madge is pissed at Britney ‘cuz Britney won’t wear that dumb red string around her wrist anymore. She’s ditched Kabbalah, a cardinal sin in Madonna’s book.

Brainy-Britney had been following the mystical Jewish-ish spinoff as part of her ongoing attempts to straighten out her public image. Girl, you have a MAJOR problem if the best thing you can come up with to fix your public image is joining a cult.

A source says:

Madonna is dismayed that Britney has just dropped Kabbalah. She’s always believed it is a way of life, not just something to pick up and get rid of on a whim. Madonna doesn’t feel she can work with Britney any more because they’re just not aligned on a spiritual level.

Madonna, you dumbass. Everyone knows Britney’s aligned on a spiritual level with CHEETOS. Geez.