Crimes Against Fashion: Katie Holmes Edition (Again)


Sigh. Oh, Katie Holmes. Snarkista is naming you her winner for “Most Crimes Against Fashion 2008.” No, it won’t help you get a Tony Award. Are you not living in New York, arguably the fashion capital of the world? And is it not WINTER in New York? Even if the city’s experiencing a warm snap, there is NO excuse for this outfit. Wearing leggings, Snarkista’s most hated form of clothing is violation #1. Wearing leggings with SHORTS is violation #2. And wearing leggings and shorts with PUMPS is the third strike, making you OUT.

Not out like your hubby Tommy wants to have the gays be, with his proposal for a U.S. gay census like the UK has (for realz!). That’s a subject for another post, although it is QUITE amusing coming from Ms. Tom. No, Katie, just out like PLEASE DON’T GO OUT DRESSED LIKE THIS ANY MORE! You’re hogging all of the CAF awards. Pamela Anderson and Solange Knowles are getting pissed. Do not mess with Solange- she will cut a bitch. With FEATHERS!

Tom Cruise Gives Katie Holmes Hallucinogens For Her Birthday


Tom Cruise has been on a tour lately to try and convince us he’s normal. Guess what? Nice try, but EPIC FAIL. Tommy-Girl has been alluding for weeks that his birthday present for wife Katie Holmes was going to be really special. Oh, it’s special alright. Katie better haul ass.

Tom revealed his present to robot devoted Katie today… a Salvia divinorum mint plant in full blossom! Ah, mint, you say. Great for cooking! Tommy will be making some “special tea” for Katie soon. He found a small specimen of the plant, known as “the Sage of the Seers,” in an East Village WITCHCRAFT store. The plant is indigenous to Mexico and was and is used by shamans of the Mazatec Indians for its ability to create visions and hallucinations. Just what every woman dreams of! VIVIDLY.

Look for Katie to commit more “crimes against fashion” soon, yet in a much more colorful way. Happy Birthday, “Kate”!

Tom Cruise Wants To Marry David Beckham. Oh, And Posh Too.


This is NOT gonna help squelch those “Tom Cruise is gay” rumors! Tommy-girl is a certifiable freak. Australia’s Live News says that he gave David and Victoria Beckham a truly bizarre Thanksgiving present…a pseudo-wedding between him, David, Katie and Posh. WTF?! Who the hell gives Thanksgiving presents anyways? Sneaky Scientologists, that’s who! Tommy’s been trying to lure Posh and Becks into the alien corps forever, and now he’s cemented the title of Chief Nutbag.

Reportedly, at some point next year, Tom & Katie will hold a ceremony during which both the Cruises and the Beckhams will “vow to be brothers and sisters and exchange heartfelt speeches.” A source tells the site, “Tom wanted to make a special gesture that would show how much he appreciates their friendship and he thought this would be the perfect way.” The joining will take place at Katie’s New York hideout townhouse.

Tommy wants to make a “special gesture” towards Becks, alright, and besides- you KNOW this has to be some kind of Scientology trap! Don’t walk down the aisle, Beckhams! Wrap that turkey of a Thanksgiving gift back up and give it to Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz. They’ll be ALL for it, (especially Pete) and Papa Joe can sell the wedding pics! Bonus!

Uh Oh, Tom Cruise Is “Laughable” In Valkyrie

Oh, this is NOT good for Tom Cruise’s efforts to reverse his current “box-office poison” reputation. As you all know, Tom is starring in the much-delayed “Valkyrie”, where he plays a Nazi bent on assassinating Hitler. The movie is NOT a comedy, but test audiences are having a hard time not laughing at Tommy-Girl’s performance. Yikes. MGM’s marketing team having to work hard to convince them that “Valkyrie” is a thriller. Unfortunately, those who’ve gotten a peek say not only is the film nowhere near as exciting as a thriller, but Tommy’s performance elicits uncomfortable and inappropriate laughs. We saw this coming a MILE away. Tom cannot separate his off-screen, couch-jumping, Xenu believing self from ANY character he plays, unless he’s in a really good disguise.

Some of the odd moments in “Valkyrie” come when Cruise’s character, Claus Von Stauffenberg, is forced to give a “Heil Hitler” salute. A source tells The Scoop that

“It’s an unsettling scene but you almost start to laugh. His character is resisting it but you never forget it’s Tom Cruise saying ‘Heil Hitler.’ It’s funny and shocking at the same time.”

Another described a scene where Cruise’s character removes a false eye.

“It was disgusting,” said another who saw the film. “It was like watching someone pluck their contacts out. The film just isn’t a thriller at all. It’s a bunch of white guys in Nazi uniforms. It’s too bad. And Tom doesn’t speak with a German accent, though they did add a voice-over of him speaking German to the beginning of the film. Still, it’s as if he could say ‘I complete you’ at any time. This is not his Oscar moment.”

Snarkista’s having a hard time believing ANY “Oscar moments” are in store for Tommy. He’s become the face of Scientology, has turned his wife Katie Holmes into a robot, and is constantly trying to control every aspect of his family’s life. Don’t despair, Tom. Surely Scientology has SOME kind of equivalent. Oh yeah, they already gave it to you!

What’s Up With Katie Holmes’ Teeth?!


Oh, this makes Katie’s OTHER Crimes Against Fashion look like misdemeanors! What happened to Katie’s teeth? The pic on the left was shot yesterday, the pic in the middle was shot this summer, and the pic on the right is a closeup. Yikes! This is beyond a chipped tooth…her whole smile is snaggled! Is Katie getting ready to be a vampire on Halloween? Did she forget her dentures? Is this the result of too much Scientology barley water? WTF?!

Saturday’s Stuff Tom Cruise Doesn’t Want You To See


No, NOT this heinous outfit Katie Holmes wore on Thursday for opening night. The afterparty was at “E-Space” and Katie got confused. The fact that she designed this herself will have to wait, because Katie is taking too many “Crimes Against Fashion” awards. But in honor of Scientology-prisoner Katie’s debut on Broadway, and the protest group “Anonymous” successfully messing up the cult’s website (scientology.org), we bring you the following stuff Scientology has tried to shut down. Unfortunately for THEM, trying to keep things off of the internet is like playing whack-a-mole. Ahahahahahaha!!!!

The Unfunny Truth About Scientology



…And The Timeless Classic: “Tom Cruise’s Secret Scientology Video”. This video is EXACTLY as it is shown to the sci-bots, Mission Impossible music and all.

Katie Holmes On “Eli Stone”: Yikes.

Oh, help. Snarkista told Katie Holmes NO to this look back in July as Katie was filming a cameo for Eli Stone. She HOPED it would not have been captured on film, but was just another of Katie’s Crimes Against Fashion. Sadly, it WAS her look on the show. Katie’s not a real great singer either. Check out the preview…this is a MESS! No, Katie! NO!!!!!