Mary Kate Olsen Preggers? Please!

Some fool at the National Enquirer is trying to get us to believe that lil’ Mary Kate Olsen is pregnant. WHATEVER! Sure, she’s been wearing baggy clothes, but…she always is in the dreaded caftan. That little elf burned up her lady parts when she quit eating years ago, so if she’s knocked up it is due to some freakin’ high tech doctoring.

Supposedly Mary Kate now weighs a whopping 102 pounds due to being preggers with her artist-boyfriend Nate Lowman’s baby. “The source” who blabbed to the Enquirer says that she was inspired to start a family by late actor, and close friend, Heath Ledger – who told her becoming a father was the most rewarding thing he had ever done.

The source added:

“Mary-Kate really took Heath’s words to heart. She wanted the same kind of fulfillment in her life that Heath found in his after becoming a dad. She is really happy with Nate and is very excited they will soon be starting their family together.”

Snarkista thinks “the source” has already spent that Enquirer Christmas bonus, and that she’ll believe this one when she sees a bump under one of those bag-lady outfits.

Mary Kate And Ashley Under The Influence Of Prunes

Yeah, “prune” is what Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen say (quietly) when posing for pictures. Supposedly it gives them the perfect, snide, partial-smile that says: “We are not to be questioned, we INFLUENCE. Can you not READ?” No, Snarkista did not make that prune part up. It’s a known Olsen fact, their gramma taught it to them or something, and you can probably wiki it, but do it on your OWN time.

The Olsen trolls signed their new insufferable artsy coffee-table book in NYC yesterday, and here are the ACTUAL rules imposed on anyone who wanted to buy this shizz. Note to the loved ones: DO NOT BUY SNARKISTA THIS FOR CHRISTMAS. She wants an “Infidel” t-shirt from Srsly.

1) Mary-Kate Olsen and Ashley Olsen will be with us for a limited time. They will only be signing copies of their book, Influence. They will not be speaking, reading or taking questions.
2) Mary-Kate Olsen and Ashley Olsen will NOT sign any memorabilia or product other than Influence. There is a limit of one book per person, and your one book must be purchased here.
3) You will be directed to pay for your book upon entering the store and will be given a receipt for your purchase. Please keep your receipt. You will receive your book at the signing table.
4) Along with your receipt, you will be given a B&N wristband, and then directed to the event space on the 4th floor. You must have a receipt and a wristband to access the 4th floor.
5) Anyone approaching the signing table must have paid for the book and be wearing a B&N wristband. One person, one wristband, one book.
6) You will collect your signed book at the signing table. If you have paid for any additional copies, a staff member will provide you with those before you exit the space.
7) There is no photography allowed. You must put away your camera or cell phone before approaching the signing table. The authors will not pose for photos.
8) If you leave, or the authors leave, before you are able to collect a signed book, you may present your receipt to a cashier for either an unsigned book or a refund. (Refunds only issued within 14 days of receipt.)
9) There will be no extra signed copies available after the authors leave the store. They will not be able to sign for anyone who is not on line. No pre-orders.

No word on how long MK and Ash could keep saying “prune” as it was probably starting to hurt, and their hands probably started to hurt too, and “besides, all these people are on our staff, right? Let’s blow!” (No Heath Ledger pun intended.)

Mary Kate And Ashley Olsen Are Crappy Neighbors

Mini-terrors Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen have their neighbors in their formerly quiet West Village neighborhood upset. Really upset. Seems the girls are “disruptive, intrusive and totally disrespectful”. AND, they’ve created a “military presence” in their hood. A neighbor said “you’d think there was a government operation going on”. Snarkista wonders who would want to off MK and Ashley? Bob Saget and John Stamos still love them, even though the little twinkies haven’t done much lately!

The diminutive gazillionaires began renting two floors of a brownstone on West 13th in May, for $12,000 a month. They come and go in the wee hours of the night, roaring off in their SUV’s to hit the latest NY party spots. One resident called them “two spoiled brats” who “change the character of the neighborhood” by posting security guards outside. The bodyguards have even made other building residents move from the brownstone’s front stairs, so the twins can climb the steps in privacy. Holy insufferability!

The twins are definitely not “green”, as they keep two giant GMC Denali trucks parked outside the townhouse EVERY NIGHT, with the engines idling for hours at a time. Major Carbon Footprint Alert! Other celebs who live in the hood are Sarah Jessica Parker, Gisele Bundchen, Julianne Moore and Liv Tyler, but they reportedly are good neighbors. Not “invaders” like MK and Ashley have been called.

The only comfort for the neighbors is that the little fashionistas are renters. The rest of the building HOPES it isn’t a long-term rental. Predictably, a rep for the twins denied that security has ever asked anyone to leave the stairs. Quoth the rep:

“If there were significant issues, you would think that the neighbors would address Ashley or Mary-Kate directly, rather than calling the media.”

Oh, right. How are the neighbors supposed to do that with the goon-patrol surrounding them at all times? Here’s hoping the twin terrors move on to other digs soon before someone gets hurt!

Feds Drop Persuit Of Heath Ledger’s Drug Death & Mary-Kate Olsen

Federal Prosecutors have decided NOT to pursue official charges into the death of Heath Ledger. The Feds decided not to pursue a criminal case into how he obtained the powerful painkillers that contributed to his overdose death this year, a law enforcement official said Wednesday.

Prosecutors in the U.S. attorney’s office in Manhattan had been overseeing a D.E.A. probe into whether the painkillers found in Ledger’s system were obtained illegally. But the prosecutors have bowed out “because they don’t believe there’s a viable target,” said the official, who spoke on condition of anonymity because no charges have been filed.

Looks like potential “viable target” Mary-Kate Olsen is off the hook…for now. Wonder how much THAT cost! The DEA had obtained a subpoena that could have forced Olsen if she continued to hold out. The official added that the case could still be revived if evidence of a crime emerges. MK has been stonewalling investigators, and it looks like for now, it’s paid off.

Rebekah Carmichael, a spokeswoman for the U.S. attorney’s office, said it’s the office’s policy to “neither confirm nor deny the existence of an investigation.” There was no immediate response to a message left for Olsen’s attorney, Michael C. Miller.

DEA investigators suspect the painkillers found in Ledger’s system, oxycodone (Oxycontin)and hydrocodone, were obtained with phony prescriptions or other illegal means.

Snarkista thinks its possible that Mary-Kate could have been involved. Oxy suppresses appetite in many users, and MK has been in rehab for anorexia and is rumored to have had treatment for substance abuse. Her bodyguards had plenty of time to get evidence out of Heath’s apartment, although it would probably have been hard to trace back to her. Unless someone else knew she provided the drugs.

If so, no one is talking, and the lil’ bag lady can sleep a little easier tonight. The Feds can and will reopen the investigation if any pertinent evidence comes to light. Dodged a bullet, Trollsen.

Snark Sightings

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Wonky Strikes Back: Seriously? OMG!

Stalker Aniston Can’t Take A Joke: Showbiz Spy

Michael Lohan’s Not Down With A 2-Bride Wedding: Backseat Cuddler

Which politicians are REALLY most like Paris Hilton? Indecision ’08

Hollywoods Top-Paid Tweens: Forbes

Tips On How To Score At The Store: The Bachelor Guy

Christina Aguilera’s Ready For Halloween: Superficial Diva

Barackbook- Be Obama’s Friend!: Guanabee

Britney Gets Another VMA Nod: Fafarazzi

Celebrity Look-Alikes: Slacker Network

Mary-Kate Olsen Wants Immunity In Heath’s Death Probe

Mary-Kate Olsen has refused to be interviewed by federal investigators probing the accidental drug death of her “close friend” Heath Ledger unless she receives immunity from prosecution. The NY Post is reporting that the actress’ lawyer has repeatedly refused attempts by the feds to question Olsen, who was the first person called when her masseuse discovered Ledger’s body in his apartment in January. Mary-Kate owned the apartment.

Frustrated federal officials may obtain a grand-jury subpoena to compel the actress to tell them whatever she knows about Heath’s behavior, his possible drug use and the events of that tragic morning. Investigators have interviewed everyone connected to Ledger and his death, including his doctors, the masseuse, bodyguards, housekeepers, business associates and even the mother of his 2-year-old daughter, Matilda, actresss Michelle Williams.
A source says:

Everyone has been very eager to help, saying what a great guy Heath Ledger was, everyone except Mary-Kate, who has refused to speak.

That source explained that Olsen would be the last witness they need to interview to finish the investigation into where he got his drugs and medicines.

Ledger died of a potent cocktail of prescription drugs and OxyContin, the latter of which was probably obtained illegally. Instead of calling 911 after getting the call from her masseuse, Olsen telephoned her bodyguards in NY, telling them to race to Heath’s apartment. They arrived just as paramedics got to the scene.

NY State authorities closed their investigation without Mary-Kate’s cooperation, but the US Drug Enforcement Administration, opened an investigation to determine the sources of Ledger’s drugs, and aren’t giving up attempts to talk Olsen. The feds contacted her lawyer, Michael Miller, several times recently asking for her cooperation, but Miller told the feds Olsen won’t be interviewed unless she gets immunity from possible prosecution. Fishy.

Continue reading Mary-Kate Olsen Wants Immunity In Heath’s Death Probe

Signs Of The Apocalypse: Paris Hilton Edition

Okay all of you greedy actors, call off your effin’ strike threat RIGHT NOW, because THIS is the kind of shizz that will happen if you don’t. Paris Hilton has an idea. Crap! What FAB timing that bitch has!

According to a Paris pal, Wonky got her annual idea watching both Dina Lohan’s and Denise Richards’ new reality series. Her plan? A show like The View. Only with celebs doing the yammering. Only God or the Screen Actors Guild can save us now.

Imagine Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, The Olsen Trolls, Tori Spelling…as well as skanky Denise, White Oprah Lohan and Nicole Richie along with whomever else they can scrape out of Hyde- together in one big shizstorm sharing ”their side” of what it’s like to be THEM. With Paris wearing a tiara. Bravo and Lifetime both have sniffed at the bait.

Snarkista doesn’t give a crap what it’s like to be them. She just wants them to keep it up so she can snark ’em! But a cluster of the insufferable, whining about the papz, is the last thing even SHE wants to see on TV. Please, for the sake of all that is holy, ACCEPT THE EFFIN’ OFFER ON THE TABLE, SAGGIES, and lets get on with the REAL acting.

Great. Snarkista’s got the damn sparkles. Here comes a giant migraine.