Katie Holmes To Fix Her Looks By Poisoning Herself

Reportedly, dumbass Katie Holmes is teetering on the brink of TOTAL physical and mental disintegration. “But she’s brainwashed, Snarkista! Don’t blame poor Katie!” Ah, but either Katie didn’t do her homework on crazy Tom Cruise before they hooked up, or she just couldn’t resist his mad powers.

Australia’s NW magazine details how much Katie’s looks have declined in the last 2 years, and the side-by-side comparison ain’t pretty. Two years ago she was all bright eyes, rosy cheeks and 100-watt smiles after marrying Tom, the top clown of public exuberance. Now a “sad and sullen individual”, Holmes “sports sunken cheeks and dark circles under her lifeless eyes and seems barely able to lift her head, let alone crack a smile as she wanders around New York by herself.”

NW says the slide for Katiebot really picked up when Tommy-girl made her chop her hair short. She cried and cried. And then he wouldn’t let her look nice or talk to other men or go anywhere without a security guard spying on her. She did gather all the strength she had left to throw a great big bronze statue at a wall in Tommy’s office, and he had to get builders in to fix the damage. Katie surely spent some dungeon-time as punishment for that one!

But what to do about the haggard looks? Wise up and escape? Hell, no. Katie’s gonna fix the problem Scientology-style! She will be putting herself through the cult’s “purification rundown detox“, where one spends way too much time in the sauna and ingests dangerous amounts of Niacin, which will ruin your liver. THAT will make ya look better, Katie! Yellow skin just SCREAMS “young and healthy.” Sigh. You made your bed…