Crimes Against Fashion: Mel B (Scary Spice) Edition

WOAH. Melanie Brown, they didn’t call you Scary Spice for nothing. What the fug are you wearing???! Guess the recession’s even hurting sci-fi costume designers, because the ingredients here cost about $6.99. Don’t think about getting NEAR Natalie Portman in this crap. She’d look down her nose on you anyways, but why give her more ammo? You’d get voted off the starship in a nanosecond. And why is that black snake curled up on your head?

The security dude behind you looks like he just got sucker-punched. The people behind the barricade are LAUGHING or in mid-WHA?, except for the lady with her eyes closed. She’s been blinded by the glare from the cheap satin. Lets see if this getup gets better when you pose WITH someone.

Wow. No it does not. Even though you managed to find the guy in the ugliest jacket, he comes out the winner in this pairing. He is thanking GOD you came along last night, so that the coat made from his daughter’s old Christmas dress isn’t getting any press. Much.

Friday’s Fifteen Minutes

TGIF!!! Who’s dancin’ in the booth today for Friday’s Fifteen Minutes? Looks like the guys have it again this week! FFM gives z-listers a little press while they try to go for 20. This week’s featured “Z” is none other than Corey Haim! Corey’s pic is from last year when he declared himself BACK! Guess what…he ain’t back.

Corey is 36, and was teen heartthrob for about a year back in the ’80s. His other claim to fame is for being one effed up BAD druggie! He’s been trying to get back into Hollywood’s good graces oh, like, forever- and he’s at it again today! Corey’s learned a little from his past comeback attempts, so he’s letting us know that Victoria Beckham got a little freaky when they dated. Briefly. In 1995.

“I did date Victoria Beckham. When she kisses she does this funny thing. She does this gnaw thing. She liked to gnaw on my lip.”

Corey recalled the first time he met Posh and the other Spices at a London recording studio.

Five girls in these crazy outfits piled out of a car. They were like punk chicks, Sid Vicious chicks. They walked into the studio and I met Vic. Sniper eyes. It was my obligation as a man to hang out with her.

Sid Vicious chicks? SNIPER EYES? File those, intern Seacrest. Corey says they never officially split up. Posh has previously claimed the pair split after having a big ole fight because Corey was jealous of her crush on a boyband. Yeah, a whole band. Corey nonetheless elaborates to Bravo TV:

We never really split up. My brain wasn’t really functioning at the time. So she said she drove to my Hilton Hotel in Kensington and threw my clothes all over the road? Dude, I stayed at the Marriott not the Hilton! If that happened it doesn’t sound right. I was whispering in her ear and we were acting like soulmates. I wouldn’t expect a girl I was with to say she liked some other guys and then kick me out of her car. But if she said it I guess it must be real. She has never lied to me. I’m not happy to hear she cheated on me with some guy.

Dude, your brain STILL isn’t functioning right. You were staying at the Super 8. Sniper Eyes is gonna kick your door in tonight and give you a tracheotomy with her stilletto. And Corey? Vicki lied to you, bud. A bunch.