Heidi Montag And Spencer Pratt’s Drunken Marriage

US magazine already bought and published pictures of Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt’s fake, illegal romantic marriage in Mexico. Last night’s episode of “The Hills”, however, highlighted the true ickyness of the whole debacle.

Scuzzy Spencer flew Montard to Cabo San Lucas, got her drunk on tequila and rushed her to a church. The next morning she could sort of remember how drunk she was but couldn’t remember the ceremony at ALL. No wonder her mom is pissed! It was the marital equivalent of a date rape drugging.

Spencer has always tried to take Heidi away from “bad influences”, namely her mother, his sister, her ex-best friend, basically the entire world, because they all know the truth… Spencer is the douchiest person on earth. He’s the worst person she could possibly marry.

The episode showed the couple in Mexico, by themselves, (except for the camera crew and production team) so they could have their own wedding alone. “It’s our secret marriage,” Spencer told her (and everyone watching at home.)

The teaser for next week’s finale shows the idiots having to go to a U.S. courthouse to actually GET a marriage license, and face the anger of Heidi’s mother, whom Spencer further infuriates by calling her “mom.” It may be tempting to pity Heidi, but she’s willingly been under Spencer’s spell despite everyone in her universe telling her what a massive mistake he is. Fame, it seems, is more important than good sense. Snarkista gives the marriage a year, unless Spencer knocks Heidi up. If that happens, there won’t be a divorce until the tabloid checks are cashed!


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Turkey News: Heidi And Spencer Get Married


In honor of turkeys everywhere, we have news today that Hollywood’s douchiest duo, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt, have reportedly tied the knot in a secret ceremony in Mexico. We have The Hills to thank for Heidi and Spencer, and we have Heidi and Spencer to thank for providing unintentionally hilarious fodder for bloggers everywhere. The “secret ceremony” will no doubt provide a new deluge of badly posed cheezeshots to distract us from the economy. Perez Hilton gives us Spencer’s Velveeta-vows to Heidi:

Heidi, from the moment you came into my life, I knew my life would never be the same without you. You are the light in my life like the sun to the earth! Your loving warmth makes me want to be a better person. Being with you, I feel complete. I’m honored to even be able to call you my wife. You are the most amazing, loving and caring woman on this planet. I will love you forever and always.

Speidi got engaged in May 2007 following rumors of a split that unfortunately didn’t stick. Heidi initially called off the wedding in December last year after apparently not being happy with the arrangements. Snarkista can not WAIT to see if Heidi wore something from her recently canned “fashion” line, Crappywood Heidiwood.

Pratt and Montag wed at the One & Only Palmilla Resort, just outside Cabo San Lucas, and the ceremony was held on the beach. One alarming detail: the couple are planning on starting their family as soon as they can. Sayeth Spencer: “Heidi talks about lots of kids all the time. She wakes up with these great dreams about five kids.” Maybe this is why the quickie-wedding went down! Three words: Dumbest. Kids. Everrrrr.

Heidi Montag: Maxipad Aerobics

Douchess Heidi Montag shot a video for her heinous new song “Overdosin'”. Heidi decided to play an 80’s aerobic instructor! The shoot obviously took place in an apartment clubhouse with some z-list 80’s porn guys, like Mr. Goldlegs there. This shizz looks like velveeta with cheese on top!

Sadly, whoever was in charge of wardrobe forgot to tell Heidi not to wear a MAXIPAD with her leotard. They also made Heidi wear dirty socks. The video premieres tomorrow on Heidi’s website…if you think you can handle the “song” COMBINED with “Let’s Get Physical” flashbacks. And maxipads. Don’t decide until you try listening to the “song” by itself, ‘cuz it’s craptastic! Fair warning!
UPDATE: Double Warning On The Video!! Oh, my, lord. Forget waterboarding, send this shit straight to Gitmo. Snarkista is now physically nauseous because of the synthesizer stuck in her head. Damn you, Heidi!

Heidi Montag’s Latest Ear-Bleeder: “Overdosin’ ”

Why, Snarkista, you ask, do you tell us about Heidi Montag’s songs? Because, my children, they are just such effin’ trainwrecks that Snarkista can’t turn away. Guilty as charged. Please don’t make anything Heidi-related part of my punishment. Heidibot never sounded more like a broken synthesizer than she does here. Which is saying A LOT. Where does one actually BUY a Heidi Montag release anyways? Is she on the i-tunes charts? Do they even go that low? Snarkista doesn’t think anyone’s in danger of “Overdosin’ ” on Heidi, ‘cuz no one could listen that long. Get the duct-tape ready again. When your head explodes you wanna be able to find all the pieces.

Heidi Montag Still Giving Douche Lessons To Meghan McCain

Snarkista told you that John McCain had a real problem if he thought Heidi Montag would help him with the youth vote. Daughter Meghan McCain’s still hanging out with Montard the famewhore, and seems to be up her ass pretty good! Horf!!!

Meghan seems to be liking the celeb spotlight, and Snarkista thinks Spencer’s convinced her all press is good press. Heidi and Spencer sure are riding THAT train as long as possible, despite subjecting us to horrifically ghastly “music” and “fashion” from Heidi. (Snarkista’s giving you fair warning if you click the music and fashion links…especially the music. Have the duct tape ready in case your head explodes.)

Ah, anything for the spotlight. Meghan was spotted getting her hair done by Matthew Shields last month at hair salon ‘John Frieda’ on Melrose Place, which services such stars as Kate Hudson and Jane Fonda. She’s been hanging onto Heidi like a tick on a dog.

While Senator John McCain has pointed his finger at Barack Obama for being a celebrity similar to Britney or Paris, (whose strike-back video left John’s in the dust) Meghan’s been trying her hardest to become one. Maybe she should shave her head! Barack should make a celeb ad linking McCain to Heidi and Spencer. Holy crap, his numbers would go through the roof. John! Wake up and lock up Meghan before she starts doing staged photo ops dressed like an effin’ Easter Bunny!

Heidi Montag Douches Up TV Guide Video On Crappywood

Famewhore Heidi Montag took TV Guide’s Will Keck for a mini-ride through her clothing line “Heidiwood”. Snarkista abhors that name, so it has always been “Crappywood” to her. Indulge, please. Heidi is in full douche-mode as she dishes on her “total involvement” with every aspect of her heinouswear. Especially the “buh-uns”

Heidi carries her Bible in her giant Crappypurse, and her favorite verse is John 3:16… perhaps the most famous verse in the Bible. It is definitely the most popular verse at sporting events. It’s a great verse, don’t get Snarkista wrong. She is very glad that God so loved the world that He gave his only Son, that whomever believes in Him will have eternal life. It’s just a bit of a tell that Heidi may not read much of her Bible. Anyhoo, here’s your “Summer’s Eve” for the eve.

The Hills: MTV’s Sneak Peak

MTV’s released the trailer for “The Hills”. Snarkista isn’t sure if it is clips of plotlines that will really be developed- or the best parts of the season crammed into one trailer. Last season was pretty much a snoozer, and the hint here that the insufferable Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt may break up is just ridiculous! Those two are worth way more together than they are apart, and they aren’t through riding the money train yet. There will be WAY more posed pics and heinous songs from Heidi to endure before the douche-duo parts ways. Also, to Snarkista’s dismay, Spencer seems to be growing something on his face.