Good grief, Katie Holmes is looking even more tired than usual these days. Tired and haggard and stalked. Stalked by her ever-present Scientology handlers, Kate was snapped attempting to play with lil’ bot Suri during a break from shooting her new horror flick “Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark.”

Katie has way more shizz to be afraid of than the stupid dark! THETANS AND TOMMY GIRL, just to name a couple. Lord, the poor thing has aged 20 years since she hooked up with the former Top Gun.

Somebody please save Katie. People save the whales, you know…but it would take a Mission Impossible operation to rescue Katie from the clutches of Xenu. She’s shooting her movie in Australia- that’s where those “Whale Wars” Sea Shepherds are…couldn’t they throw some of their stinky bombs at her zombie jailers? If not, can’t someone at LEAST call her parents?!

Letterese has leveled some very serious charges against Cruise and Scientology. He claims that both bribed and improperly influenced a federal judge, a Florida state judge and a federal bankruptcy trustee to tie up his original law suit in bankruptcy court. As shocking as these charges may sound, don’t forget that the Church of Scientology committed the largest infiltration of a government institution in the history of our country. It was the IRS. Quite a few of those folks got sent to the big house.

Nonetheless, attorneys for the Church are using their usual tactics: attempts to ruin someone financially, and veiled threats of bodily harm. This is standard operating procedure for the sci-bots.

L.A. thug private investigator Paul Barresi, who has worked for Cruise and MANY others in Hollywood, says:

“Letterese’s lawyers are really putting a lot on the line, potentially their careers, accusing federal and state judges of taking pay offs. Without compelling proof to support these scurrilous allegations, like video of the judges being handed envelopes stuffed with cash, I think Letterese stands a better chance of successfully bouncing down a flight of stairs on his head than he has of winning this law suit.”

Barresi obviously shouldn’t quit his day job for law school. You don’t need a VIDEO of a bribe to prove one, moron. But watch your back, Letterese. The sci-bots play dirty and dangerous. You know what you’re up against, and we want you to GO FOR IT! For those of you who DON’T know what he’s up against, we happily give you this:

The Unfunny Truth About Scientology

And just to show how COMPLETELY gone Tom Cruise is, we give you this. You’ll have to wiki for a Scientology glossary to completely understand all the acronyms, but SP is “suppressive person.” Unless you’re a sci-bot, you’re an SP! Welcome to the club!!

The Timeless Classic: “Tom Cruise’s Secret Scientology Video”. This video is EXACTLY as it is shown to the sci-bots, Mission Impossible music and all.