Tony Romo Dumps Jessica Simpson

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And he did it with such EXQUISITE timing! The day before her “Barbie and Ken” themed 29th birthday!! Way to get out of the gift dilemma AND the certain awkward pics, Tony. It’s hard to find those yee-haw milkmaid dresses that J. Simp seems to be enamored of, and, well…it looks like jewelry was out of the question.

Jessica, of course, is heartbroken. She and Romo have been dating since 2007, and her “concert” shoutouts to her Cowboy are legendary loads of Too Much Information. A snitch friend tells People that:

“She is heartbroken. She loves Tony. But it’s been difficult lately. He’s busy with his career and she’s getting ready to shoot her show. They decided to part ways.”

Papa Joe Simpson is officially getting the blame for the bust-up for his notorious meddling ways. Dallas Cowboy fans everywhere are PUMPED.

Jessica Simpson: A Bad Night In Grand Rapids

Jessica Simpson Grand Rapids Meltdown

Stop the pain! Jessica Simpson’s having a run of bad performances…some because she insists upon YAMMERING about her Cowboy Tony Romo. Actually, Jess does this every time. But something else she’s been doing a LOT of, is screwing up onstage.

Last night, Chesty was in Grand Rapids, MI., and Tony missed his flight. So…bipolar meltdown. In between blurbs like “I’m so excited, I get to see my boyfriend tomorrow” and “He’s the person who makes me relax”, she shocked fans with several onstage bloopers, then eventually walked off in tears. Chest was opening for Rascal Flatts, and gave about 40 minutes full of embarrassing crapola.

She kept screwing with her in-ear monitors throughout the show, lost her place in several songs, and totally FORGOT the lyrics to her song “Come on Over“.

There’s more. (I told you it was a bad night.) Jessica stopped during the intro to “Pray Out Loud“, asked her band start over, before mouthing the word “sorry” to the crowd. She told the massive 8000-person audience: “My voice is weak tonight.” In a bizarre introduction to her last song of the set, “Do You Know“, Jess said she wished she could “walk off the stage”.

At the merciful end of the show, she did walk offstage in tears, after thanking her band for “having her back.” One concert-goer told the Grand Rapids Press, “I felt bad for her tonight. It was uncomfortable to watch.”

It’s obvious that Chesty wants to be at home, barefoot and preggers. Married to Tony, of course. She is NOT above throwing hail-marys if she has to, and Snarkista thinks her crappy shows are all a part of her devious plan! You are so sneaky, Chesty.

Crimes Against Fashion: Jessica Simpson Edition

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Holy mom-jeans, Jessica. No! This outfit absolutely gets a top-4 seed in the “Jessica Simpson Crimes Against Fashion Tournament and Chili Cookoff.” Which is sorta where Jessica was when she squeezed into THIS little number! A chili-cookoff, that is, doing her act in front of 3,000 actual people! It beats bingo halls and bowling alleys (actual J. Simp venues in the past 12 months).

Let’s see if these high-waisted denim-diapers look any better from the back.
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No they do not. A more stumpifying garment has yet to be created. And those suckers are chafing you so bad, you’re gonna be crying in the powder room, if you know what I mean.

Jessica, we ALL know you’re trying your damnedest to set the hook into Tony Romo’s football fortune, because you yammer about it onstage constantly. This is between yammering sessions to the press with TOO MUCH INFORMATION.

You’re probably DYING to be a mom and have a lil’ Tony. But please don’t confuse mom-jeans with motherhood, honey, or you’ll NEVER get there.

Jessica Simpson Coming To A Bingo Hall Near You


Blame genius manager Papa Joe for this! Jessica Simpson has been reduced to playing at BINGO HALLS. Granny regulars at the San Manuel Indian Bingo & Casino in Highland, California had to take their A-games elsewhere when Chestica popped in for a gig November 13th. According to OK magazine,

The hall’s florescent lighting, dirty carpet and fried-food odor is a far cry from the venues J-Simp played back when her album In This Skin sold 7 million copies. “Jessica’s dressing room at the bingo hall was a little larger than a broom closet,” an insider tells OK!. “There’s an iron, but no ironing board. There’s not even a fridge!”

Chesty doesn’t need an ironing board for her country milkmaid duds, but no fridge is a big FAIL for Papa Joe! Actually Papa Joe gets a big F for ALL of his daughter-management skilz. His only hope for cash lately is peddling baby pics. You know he has SOME offer on the table for Tony Romo. Hopefully, Jessica won’t blab about it during her next gig at the VFW.

Jessica Simpson DENIED By The CMAs


Whomever thought that Jessica Simpson was gonna be a part of the Country Music Awards in Nashville Wednesday night has bats in the brain! Some can’t BELIEVE that Jess wasn’t nominated for Newcomer of The Year, didn’t present an award, and didn’t even GO to the CMAs. Why? Because Jessica isn’t taken seriously by the very serious powers-that-be in Nashville.

Papa Joe thought Jessica could revive her “career” by making the switch to country music, but this idea has turned out to be a flopper. Jessica’s country album is a yawner, and the songs she wrote are crappy. This is a singer-songwriter town, but you have to be a GOOD singer-songwriter to get any respect. Great for fans of country music, not great for Jessica. No amount of milkmaid dresses and cowboy boots can change that.

Carrie Underwood
hosted the CMAs with Brad Paisley, and everyone knows that Carrie is not a Jessica Simspon fan. It’s quite within the realm of believability that Underpants banned Jess from the awards. It’s definitely something the diva would do, and would be another dig at Jess in their ongoing feud over Dallas Cowboys QB Tony Romo.

So…Jessica’s gonna have to go off, nurse her wounds, and if she wants to make it in country music: cut a decent album. It’s pretty bad when your hometown newspaper, The Dallas Morning News, gives you a scathing review. Oh, and one more thing- CUT OUT THE ONSTAGE BLABBERING ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE, JESSICA! Nobody wants to hear that shizz.

Carrie Underwood Gets Waxed


Country superstar Carrie Underwood unveiled her wax sidekick at Madame Tussauds in New York today. Which one is the real Underpants? Hint: Wax-Carrie is wearing the fugliest dress. Real Carrie is wearing the fugliest shoes. They have identical personalities…so don’t get fooled, Jessica Simpson! We KNOW you still prank-call Carrie, but we won’t tell Tony Romo. Promise.

Jessica Simpson Still Yammering Onstage About Tony Romo


Jessica Simpson continues to subject concert-goers with TMI about her relationship with Tony Romo. Obviously Jessica STILL hasn’t read The Rules, because she is still smashing every one of them. Jennifer Aniston Jr. played the Texas State Fair in Dallas last night, and Tony showed up with his hurt pinky. Most of the fans were snapping pics of Tony…not Jessica. The reviewers all say the show was PAINFUL. This may have actually helped Tony out. The brain can only process one painful thing at a time, so Tony’s hurtin’ ears could get him back in the game for the Dallas Cowboys! What pinky injury?!

Jessica blabbed on about her love life to a crowd more interested in watching Tony, complete with 12 police guards, walk back and forth from a sound booth to backstage. It took Jess only three songs to offer up this piece of schmaltz: “Someone who calms the storms in my life. No matter what I go through, I know that I can depend on him.”

Dallas is Jessica’s hometown, so it’s pretty bad when the Dallas Morning News says this:

…It all goes south from there, folks. Watching and listening to Ms. Simpson sing convinces you that she’s a great tabloid celebrity. There isn’t much else there. For her, emoting equates to belting. Then there’s “You’re My Sunday,” which she dedicated to Mr. Romo. “This is a song I wrote about that special someone who throws a football really good,” she said. That line was better than the insufferable tune it described.

Yowch. But maybe it will help out the Cowboys.