Good grief, Katie Holmes is looking even more tired than usual these days. Tired and haggard and stalked. Stalked by her ever-present Scientology handlers, Kate was snapped attempting to play with lil’ bot Suri during a break from shooting her new horror flick “Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark.”

Katie has way more shizz to be afraid of than the stupid dark! THETANS AND TOMMY GIRL, just to name a couple. Lord, the poor thing has aged 20 years since she hooked up with the former Top Gun.

Somebody please save Katie. People save the whales, you know…but it would take a Mission Impossible operation to rescue Katie from the clutches of Xenu. She’s shooting her movie in Australia- that’s where those “Whale Wars” Sea Shepherds are…couldn’t they throw some of their stinky bombs at her zombie jailers? If not, can’t someone at LEAST call her parents?!

Michael Jackson’s children are pawns in a high-dollar game, and they are losing big-time. First, Grampaw Joe Jackson- who brutally abused Michael as a child, has announced he’s going to take Paris, Prince Michael and Blanket ON TOUR next year as “The Jackson 3.” Holy crap.

Clearly, this isn’t what Michael would have wanted, but as he named his mom Katherine as guardian- and she’s still married to Joe, keeping Grampaw’s money-grubbing paws away from the kids is next to impossible. Such is the decision-making prowess of a dude taking 40 Xanax a day…(plus a hell of a lot more.)

Now, to avoid a custody battle, Paris and Prince Michael’s mom Debbie Rowe has taken a $4 million dollar bribe to stay out of the way. Debbie sold the kids once already…for $16.5 million when she and Michael divorced, and now she’s cashing in on them again. God help those poor kids. Where’s Child Protective Services when you need them?!

And he did it with such EXQUISITE timing! The day before her “Barbie and Ken” themed 29th birthday!! Way to get out of the gift dilemma AND the certain awkward pics, Tony. It’s hard to find those yee-haw milkmaid dresses that J. Simp seems to be enamored of, and, well…it looks like jewelry was out of the question.

Jessica, of course, is heartbroken. She and Romo have been dating since 2007, and her “concert” shoutouts to her Cowboy are legendary loads of Too Much Information. A snitch friend tells People that:

“She is heartbroken. She loves Tony. But it’s been difficult lately. He’s busy with his career and she’s getting ready to shoot her show. They decided to part ways.”

Papa Joe Simpson is officially getting the blame for the bust-up for his notorious meddling ways. Dallas Cowboy fans everywhere are PUMPED.

A sordid tale out of Hollywood today that should make Woody Allen look like a monk…72 year-old actor Morgan Freeman wants to marry his 27 year-old step-granddaughter E’Dena Hines, once his divorce is finalized. Reportedly the two have been carrying on an affair for 10 YEARS. Holy crap.

Freeman and his estranged wife Myrna, 68,raised E’Dena since she was a young child. A family insider says:

“Morgan has led her to believe that he wants to marry her,” said a family insider. Becoming Mrs. Morgan Freeman has been E’Dena’s goal.”

Morgan isn’t the only one who is a few fries short of a happy-meal…wife Myrna admits she and Morgan have not slept together for several years and they had an open marriage, both having other partners during the course of their marriage. Nonetheless, Morgan allegedly began having sex with E’Dena as a teen, and then the two continued a relationship after Myrna found out. Apparently this was the last straw.

Snarkista hopes her dear readers aren’t eating breakfast right now.

“I’m still trying to figure out, was the weatherman asking us questions? I thought we were getting interviewed by Matt Lauer or something,” said Pratt of Roker who reports weather for the Today Show.

As for Heidi, she is incredibly distressed over the whole shebang, and whined:

“I was shocked at how rude he was – I was crying afterwards because I couldn’t believe I felt personally attacked,” said Montag. “I wanted to say to him, do you feel proud of how you’re talking to me right now? I’m just a young woman and you’re coming at me so aggressively and meanly and mean-spirited.”

“I just wanted to talk about the show and my experience there and how fun it was, and he just made it a very uncomfortable and awful experience,” said Montag. “I really would advise women especially to be careful around him because I feel like he definitely came and attacked me and I did not appreciate that at all.”

Al Roker: Ninja Muckraker. You’ve been warned, celebs.

Oh Lindsay, Lindsay, Lindsay. Just when we think you’ve hit the bottom and MAY be headed back up for air, you pull a stunt that shocks even the most jaded among us. Not that Snarkista is jaded, mind you, but Lindsay Lohan is giving celebrities who behave badly good reasons to feel smug.

The freckled one decided to go clubbing the other night in London, and ended up at Cuckoo. Clearly, Lindsay took the club’s name as a green light to completely crack up in public. The Mirror reports that:

Linds sat with her straggly hair all over her face looking strangely detached from the world and mumbled: “I feel so, like, caged. Totally caged.”

Unfortunately, the creepy behavior continued as Lindsay and her posse visited the bathrooms.

My spy tells me: “She just wouldn’t stop saying she felt caged. She was just not all there and it really was like watching a broken girl in the middle of a complete breakdown.

Unfortunately, the meltdown didn’t stop in the powder room, as Li-Lo then proceeded to curl up in a fetal position on the dance floor. She’s a pro, though, as she managed to hang on to the vodka she’d been guzzling all night.

So much for sobriety…perhaps the tales of SamRo keeping Lindsay clean are true. Lindsay had followed her ex to London, and unsuccessfully texted her all night long. Sam didn’t take the bait, and must have had her fill of playing nanny to the firecracker. It’s hard to DJ when your hands are THAT full. Time to head back to rehab, Lindsay. Stay longer this time.

UPDATE: Apparently SamRo DID take the bait, as Lindsay is sporting a new “engagement ring” today. Good luck with that, Sam.

No sooner had Big Brooke Hogan blabbed to the media that she was yes, indeed, dating OBVIOUS Jackie-O fan Sean Fox Zastoupil…than he was spotted exiting Britney Spears’ house around 3 A.M. this morning. Oops. Sean’s a bit of a man-ho, but do not turn your back on Britney for one SECOND!

Are they back together? Is Sean hiding from Brooke, or is he strictly about sharing Britney’s sunglasses? 3 AM is a bit late! Brit-Brit and Sean’s publicists had no comments.

Brooke is gonna open up a can of whoop-ass on you, Sean. Better get some bigger sunglasses.

AHAHAHAHA! Oh, Spencer Pratt does not have an off button. The promo-machine just keeps cranking out the crap! Mr. Heidi Montag has just dropped a RAP single called…”I’m A Celebrity.” The Ghost granted an interview to Complex Blog. Here’s a taste:

Complex: …You also said, “I’m like the white Jay-Z.” Would you consider Heidi the white Beyoncé?

Spencer Pratt: A little bit more than the white Beyoncé. Beyoncé had to be built by a group like Destiny’s Child, but Heidi shines solo. I’ll actually give you an exclusive: I could guarantee you Speidi’s [Spencer and Heidi's] “Bonnie & Clyde” version is going to stunt on Jay and B’s version.

Complex: Wow. Is that song going to happen?

Spencer Pratt: Yes. Steve Morales is already working on the track. That’s my Puerto Rican guru on the beat.

Complex: I saw that you’re trying to reach out to OJ Da Juiceman for him to get a verse on a Morales-produced track.

Spencer Pratt: Yeah, I’m trying to get him on my first real single because “I’m A Celebrity” is not my single. That’s just my marketing tool for the show. My first single, I just want to have me, Gucci Mane, and OJ Da Juiceman. It’ll be the flyest song in the game. I’m going to track them down, that’s my priority today.

Complex: Who’s rapping career would you use as a blueprint for yourself?

Spencer Pratt: I think I’m the future of hip-hop. You know, I feel bad for saying that. That’s unfortunate, but that’s a fact. You can’t compare my model of hip-hop with what I’m about to come out with versus anything in the game. You know I’ll take the Diddy route. I’m not a lyrical MC, I’m just like Diddy. Look what it did for him? He is still balling.

Ah, you can’t make this shizz up. Spencer is more like the “White Kanye’s insufferable little brother.” PLEASE let there be a video of this stellar interview by Complex (more at the link), who is to be commended for making it through the entire thing.

Doctors at the University of Mississippi Medical Center in Jackson, Miss., said they plan to move the 19-year-old out of the intensive care unit as early as Monday, a source close to the family tells People.

“They said it was borderline whether he needed surgery or not,” says the source, “but they’ve taken some scans and see no further damage.”

Aldridge, the father of Spears’s 10-month-old daughter Maddie, has made some bone-headed moves in the past…particularly having a proclivity to CHEAT. Snarkista says that either having his bell rung in a major way could turn Casey into a genius, or, more probably, ensure more idiot stunts. The smart money is on “B”.