Uh Oh, Tom Cruise Is “Laughable” In Valkyrie

Oh, this is NOT good for Tom Cruise’s efforts to reverse his current “box-office poison” reputation. As you all know, Tom is starring in the much-delayed “Valkyrie”, where he plays a Nazi bent on assassinating Hitler. The movie is NOT a comedy, but test audiences are having a hard time not laughing at Tommy-Girl’s performance. Yikes. MGM’s marketing team having to work hard to convince them that “Valkyrie” is a thriller. Unfortunately, those who’ve gotten a peek say not only is the film nowhere near as exciting as a thriller, but Tommy’s performance elicits uncomfortable and inappropriate laughs. We saw this coming a MILE away. Tom cannot separate his off-screen, couch-jumping, Xenu believing self from ANY character he plays, unless he’s in a really good disguise.

Some of the odd moments in “Valkyrie” come when Cruise’s character, Claus Von Stauffenberg, is forced to give a “Heil Hitler” salute. A source tells The Scoop that

“It’s an unsettling scene but you almost start to laugh. His character is resisting it but you never forget it’s Tom Cruise saying ‘Heil Hitler.’ It’s funny and shocking at the same time.”

Another described a scene where Cruise’s character removes a false eye.

“It was disgusting,” said another who saw the film. “It was like watching someone pluck their contacts out. The film just isn’t a thriller at all. It’s a bunch of white guys in Nazi uniforms. It’s too bad. And Tom doesn’t speak with a German accent, though they did add a voice-over of him speaking German to the beginning of the film. Still, it’s as if he could say ‘I complete you’ at any time. This is not his Oscar moment.”

Snarkista’s having a hard time believing ANY “Oscar moments” are in store for Tommy. He’s become the face of Scientology, has turned his wife Katie Holmes into a robot, and is constantly trying to control every aspect of his family’s life. Don’t despair, Tom. Surely Scientology has SOME kind of equivalent. Oh yeah, they already gave it to you!