Uh Oh, Tom Cruise Is “Laughable” In Valkyrie

Oh, this is NOT good for Tom Cruise’s efforts to reverse his current “box-office poison” reputation. As you all know, Tom is starring in the much-delayed “Valkyrie”, where he plays a Nazi bent on assassinating Hitler. The movie is NOT a comedy, but test audiences are having a hard time not laughing at Tommy-Girl’s performance. Yikes. MGM’s marketing team having to work hard to convince them that “Valkyrie” is a thriller. Unfortunately, those who’ve gotten a peek say not only is the film nowhere near as exciting as a thriller, but Tommy’s performance elicits uncomfortable and inappropriate laughs. We saw this coming a MILE away. Tom cannot separate his off-screen, couch-jumping, Xenu believing self from ANY character he plays, unless he’s in a really good disguise.

Some of the odd moments in “Valkyrie” come when Cruise’s character, Claus Von Stauffenberg, is forced to give a “Heil Hitler” salute. A source tells The Scoop that

“It’s an unsettling scene but you almost start to laugh. His character is resisting it but you never forget it’s Tom Cruise saying ‘Heil Hitler.’ It’s funny and shocking at the same time.”

Another described a scene where Cruise’s character removes a false eye.

“It was disgusting,” said another who saw the film. “It was like watching someone pluck their contacts out. The film just isn’t a thriller at all. It’s a bunch of white guys in Nazi uniforms. It’s too bad. And Tom doesn’t speak with a German accent, though they did add a voice-over of him speaking German to the beginning of the film. Still, it’s as if he could say ‘I complete you’ at any time. This is not his Oscar moment.”

Snarkista’s having a hard time believing ANY “Oscar moments” are in store for Tommy. He’s become the face of Scientology, has turned his wife Katie Holmes into a robot, and is constantly trying to control every aspect of his family’s life. Don’t despair, Tom. Surely Scientology has SOME kind of equivalent. Oh yeah, they already gave it to you!

Tom Cruise And Scientology Sued For Millions

Alien Dictator Tom Cruise is named in a $250 million federal lawsuit that’s using the RICO statute against the Church of Scientology. Ex-Scientologist Peter Letterese, a longtime critic of the church, filed suit in Southern District Court in Florida on July 15 alleging, among other things, that members of the church harassed him after he left.

Scientologists have virtually taken over the town of Clearwater, Florida, much to the chagrin of longtime residents. There are MANY documented instances of harassment against escapees… ranging from public disclosure of personal information, death threats, and, some claim, ordering and carrying out hits on former Sci-bots. Peter better hire some serious beef to keep his ass safe. Xenu’s minions don’t play.

In court papers provided to The New York Daily News by well-known celeb investigator Paul Barresi, Letterese claims a member of the church phoned his lawyer at home, and when the lawyer’s wife answered, said he was her husband’s homosexual lover.

Barresi, who has done investigative work on behalf of Cruise, tells us: “[Letterese] is just including a celebrity name to get attention.”

Letterese calls the church a “crime syndicate” and wants it broken up under the Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organization law, just as the feds have broken up Mafia families. RICO has been broadened from it’s original mission as a tool to nab mobsters.

Tom Cruise, who’s made no secret of his religion, is named in the lawsuit which says that Scientology head David Miscavage is “aided and abetted by the actions of Tom Cruise, his right-hand man for foreign and domestic promotion, as well as for foreign and domestic lobbying. He has assisted the syndicate in acquiring funds and [made] his own donations of money believed to be in the multiple tens of millions of dollars.”

One of Letterese’s issues is that the church uses a business book, “Effective Sales Closing Techniques,” as part of its teachings. He says this violates his intellectual property rights, since he bought the rights to the book from the widow of author Leslie Dane. Cruise’s lawyer, Bert Fields has not commented on the suit.

Karin Pouw, spokesbot for the Church of Scientology, naturally says: “This is a frivolous suit based on falsehoods.” Well, the issue about Tom being a tool for the cult is well-documented… Gawker has the famed video Cruise made that’s used as fodder to keep the deluded on the brainwashing “auditing” track that makes the cult zillions of dollars.

This ain’t gonna help Tommy-Girl. The suits behind the movie “Salt” who dropped Cruise from the lead role are probably singing praises to God right now, and the “Valkyrie” team are probably up in the Xanax. Snarkista’s told you before that Tom has become box office poison, and whether or not this suit goes anywhere, the press is not gonna help change the public’s view of Tom. Will Smith better jiggy on out of there fast, although Jada’s a Xenu girl now…and it may be too late for him.

Tom Cruise: Box Office Poison

Tom Cruise isn’t going to be playing the role of Edwin A. Salt, a fictional CIA officer who is outed as a spy. Fox 411 reports that the production, “Edwin A. Salt,” from Columbia Pictures, has been a huge, expensive headache.

Now Tom is out, and apparently it’s about the money. Tommy still thinks he’s a “Top Gun” in Hollywood. He used to be the highest-paid star, but he’s not commanding a $20 million salary like he did in the past. A studio source says:

The reasons for Cruise’s departure are not just his diminished popularity, negative public opinion and Scientology — although those would be good enough. It’s also just generational. Cruise is 45. His heyday as a box office star — if he ever had one — is over. Like past huge leading action stars such as Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger, Cruise must face the brutal facts of aging. Ironically, he’s been replaced by Will Smith, whom Cruise has courted for Scientology.

Yep, Tommy’s officially a cougar now, and a lot of people aren’t real keen spending their money or time on Mr. Couch! Cruise’s upcoming release, “Valkyrie,” is due next February. It isn’t going to help Tommy’s image to play a Nazi, although it may have been a breeze for him to get into character. Just ask Katie!

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