Behold Big Brooke Hogan at the Bejeweled show Thursday night at Miami’s Funkshion Fashion Week. Brooke is about to cry because she thought she was going to a Bedazzler show to stock up on some fake bling. Reading is hard! Almost as hard as 20 year-old Brooke looks these days.
Snarkista thought this was Brooke’s mom Linda at first. It’s an honest mistake! Linda dates 19 year-old boys too! At least Brooke got the “Funk” part right. We can almost smell her Hulky sweat from here. Horf!
What the eff is Supermodels magazine? Obviously it is SO elite that no one Snarkista knows has ever seen it. This would explain why Ali Lohan is gracing it’s cover…if one wants to put it that way. Those America’s Next Top Models (and Tila Tequila?!) in the collage are PISSED at Dina Lohan for paying Ali’s way in. Lindsay’s pissed that Ali’s not wearing her insane legging collection.
Ali poses about as well as a John Casablancas reject, and those hos will take anyone. ‘Cuz you have to pay THEM rather than the genuine supermodel way where the model GETS paid. This shizz is almost as fug as Heidi Montag’s new video. Almost. Ali wins ONLY because she’s not singing and the pics aren’t blurry. Thank God this won’t be staring back at us from the magazine racks, but Dina has PLENTY of copies if you want one.
Douchess Heidi Montag shot a video for her heinous new song “Overdosin'”. Heidi decided to play an 80’s aerobic instructor! The shoot obviously took place in an apartment clubhouse with some z-list 80’s porn guys, like Mr. Goldlegs there. This shizz looks like velveeta with cheese on top!
Sadly, whoever was in charge of wardrobe forgot to tell Heidi not to wear a MAXIPAD with her leotard. They also made Heidi wear dirty socks. The video premieres tomorrow on Heidi’s website…if you think you can handle the “song”COMBINED with “Let’s Get Physical” flashbacks. And maxipads. Don’t decide until you try listening to the “song” by itself, ‘cuz it’s craptastic! Fair warning! UPDATE: Double Warning On The Video!! Oh, my, lord. Forget waterboarding, send this shit straight to Gitmo. Snarkista is now physically nauseous because of the synthesizer stuck in her head. Damn you, Heidi!
Why, Snarkista, you ask, do you tell us about Heidi Montag’s songs? Because, my children, they are just such effin’ trainwrecks that Snarkista can’t turn away. Guilty as charged. Please don’t make anything Heidi-related part of my punishment. Heidibot never sounded more like a broken synthesizer than she does here. Which is saying A LOT. Where does one actually BUY a Heidi Montag release anyways? Is she on the i-tunes charts? Do they even go that low? Snarkista doesn’t think anyone’s in danger of “Overdosin’ ” on Heidi, ‘cuz no one could listen that long. Get the duct-tape ready again. When your head explodes you wanna be able to find all the pieces.
Famewhore Heidi Montag took TV Guide’s Will Keck for a mini-ride through her clothing line “Heidiwood”. Snarkista abhors that name, so it has always been “Crappywood” to her. Indulge, please. Heidi is in full douche-mode as she dishes on her “total involvement” with every aspect of her heinouswear. Especially the “buh-uns”
Heidi carries her Bible in her giant Crappypurse, and her favorite verse is John 3:16… perhaps the most famous verse in the Bible. It is definitely the most popular verse at sporting events. It’s a great verse, don’t get Snarkista wrong. She is very glad that God so loved the world that He gave his only Son, that whomever believes in Him will have eternal life. It’s just a bit of a tell that Heidi may not read much of her Bible. Anyhoo, here’s your “Summer’s Eve” for the eve.
It’s Friday, I’m In Love…er sorry! Had a bit of The Cure stuck in my head! It IS Friday, however, and it’s time for another Friday’s Fifteen Minutes- where z-listers get some press while they try to go for twenty! Today’s poster boy is none other than Scott Storch, who just a few years ago, was a top pop music producer, living in a $10.5 million mansion on an exclusive Miami island, driving a stable of exotic cars and dating the likes of Paris Hilton and Lil Kim. Scott got beat with the ugly stick, but his bucks helped the ladies overlook it.
Nowadays, however, he’s pulled an MC Hammer. He owes over $500,000 in real estate taxes and had a warrant out for his arrest when he failed to show up for court in a child-support case last month. He hasn’t had a top 10 hit in three years. He still has his mansion, but his lawyer, Guy Spiegelman, tells the AP that Scott is attempting to refinance it after a “catastrophic occurrence this year” resulting from “mismanagement.” Like dropping too much money on Wonky and Lil Kim! Storch hasn’t talked to either of his children in months.
We all know Heidi Montag professed her political love for John McCain a few months ago, and declared she was on his side! Now, Heidi’s been brown-nosing Meghan McCain, John’s daughter. This is NOT a good thing for John. He needs to re-watch the Jib Jab video!
Heidi was lunching with Meghan yesterday, and the effin’ famewhore says she’s hoping to hit the road to do some stumpin’ for McCain! Montard told E!-
We’ll see, We’re just so busy, so we’re trying to figure out our schedules.
Snarkista expects the “we” is Heidi and Spencer, not the royal “we”, OR Heidi is insufferably talking about herself in the third person. Which is entirely possible.
Heidi says she and Meghan have become “good friends” since first meeting less than three months ago at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner in Washington, D.C. Who in the hell invited Heidi to THAT event? Guess somebody bailed at the last minute.