Xenu’s Coming For Amy Winehouse

Addicted chanteuse Amy Winehouse is in SERIOUS trouble. It was only a matter of time before the Scientologists set their sights on her and tried to round her up into Narcanon, their extremely unsuccessful drug “rehab” program. Amy needs help, no doubt about it. And the Scientologists are about to help her out of a TON of money.

Reportedly, Amy’s received a “friendly call” from the L.A. Scientology Celebrity Centre, or, as it’s more commonly known, The Palace That Tom Cruise Built. The thetan-phobic followers of crazy L. Ron Hubbard think that niacin poisioning, cold turkey withdrawal, hands-on healing, non-stop insults and staring practice are the cure for what ails Amy. Yeah.

Amy is so gone right now that all of the alien-talk will probably make perfect sense to her. She will need rehab for the rehab if she ever manages to escape. She’ll also need to sell a ton of records, ‘cuz Xenu’s minions don’t stop till they get the very last drop. Please, SOMEBODY SANE, save Amy. Please.