Hair Crimes: Katie Holmes Edition

Nooooooo, Katie! NO! INTERVENTION! If this has something to do with your
mini “singing and dancing” guest appearance on “Eli Stone” this season, you better HOPE they haven’t filmed it yet. Ken Paves could do better than this. Flapper? Early Paul McCartney meets a curling iron? 1970’s Susan Sarandon?
FIRE THE STYLIST. And unleash Tom on the media to suppress this picture.
With great concern,

Katie Holmes Isn’t Cuttin’ It On Broadway

Duck, y’all, the wrath of Xenu is coming! NY Post’s Michael Riedel reports that when it comes to the Broadway box office, the current Mrs. Tom Cruise has NOTHIN’ on the FORMER Mrs. Tom Cruise.

Katie Holmes is starring in the revival of Arthur Miller’s “All My Sons” this fall, but production sources are worried ‘cuz advance ticket sales aren’t looking real good. “Where are all the Scientologists? Don’t they want to see her?” jokes one person, who is no fool and requested anonymity. The Sci-bots will make you DISAPPEAR if you eff with them.

Ticket brokers and group sales agents say interest in the Holmes show is: NADA, NYET, NEIN, NONE. “I bought 1,000 tickets to the show,” says one broker. “I still have them.” The advance sales for “All My Sons,” which opens in September, is said to be less than $1 million. Yikes! New mom Nicole Kidman racked up a $4 million advance in 1998, when she made her Broadway debut in David Hare’s “The Blue Room.”

Nic wasn’t a huge star then, but she was great in the play. Scalpers were getting $700 for seats in the balcony! Her career took off afterwards helped by the press love she got for her performance. And because she split with Tommy-Girl shortly afterwards.

Why is Katie trailing Nic at the box office? Well, there’s the obvious: TOM, who’s still trying to rebound from couch-bouncing with Oprah. Katie’s not a huge draw on her own ‘cuz she’s mostly famous for being Tommy’s beard, and the economy sucks.

Also not helping: the backstage chatter at “All My Sons,” is that the cast has been forced to sign confidentiality agreements. Shocker. Katie’s Scientology captors don’t want any press they can’t control. Great strategy, as usual. See how well it’s working for Tom? L. Ron’s brainwashing techniques don’t fly with the PR peeps, and journalists don’t take kindly to being threatened with loss of life as they know it. Ergo- crickets.

Tommy + Chace= Gossiping Girls

The “Superhero” themed Met Costume Institute Ball in New York last week brought out a wide variety of celebs and socialites, along with some very interesting “costumes”. Not gonna detail the clothes- suffice to say there was the usual good, bad and incredibly fugly.

Tommy and “Kate” Cruise were there, in Armani. Several of the Gossip Girl cast attended as well, including Chace Crawford and Penn Badgley. Penn was supposed to be the show’s breakout hunk, but Chace seems to have eclipsed him- even though Penn’s film work includes the provocative yet acclaimed independent feature “The Fluffer”!

Despite Penn’s provocative work, Tommy Girl brushed him aside in his rush to get next to Chace! Apparently, Tommy’s a BIG fan of the show! Oh, and Kate is too. You know, because they both love watching cute boys great acting. Tommy and co. dissed the rest of the cast, and only talked to Chace- leaving Penn pissed. This was supposed to be PENN’s big night, not a Chacefest! Adding insult to injury, Chace was the only one invited to George Clooney’s exclusive afterparty!

You KNOW Tommy slipped Chace his digits ‘cuz Chace is single now! Carrie Underwood got tired of his party-hopping, cabana boy bromance with JC Chasez. And, if you put your hands over your ears, “Chace” sounds alot more like “Kate” than “Penn” does. Tommy’s crazy, but careful!