Crimes Against Fashion: Jessica Simpson Edition

Holy mom-jeans, Jessica. No! This outfit absolutely gets a top-4 seed in the “Jessica Simpson Crimes Against Fashion Tournament and Chili Cookoff.” Which is sorta where Jessica was when she squeezed into THIS little number! A chili-cookoff, that is, doing her act in front of 3,000 actual people! It beats bingo halls and bowling alleys (actual J. Simp venues in the past 12 months).

Let’s see if these high-waisted denim-diapers look any better from the back.

No they do not. A more stumpifying garment has yet to be created. And those suckers are chafing you so bad, you’re gonna be crying in the powder room, if you know what I mean.

Jessica, we ALL know you’re trying your damnedest to set the hook into Tony Romo’s football fortune, because you yammer about it onstage constantly. This is between yammering sessions to the press with TOO MUCH INFORMATION.

You’re probably DYING to be a mom and have a lil’ Tony. But please don’t confuse mom-jeans with motherhood, honey, or you’ll NEVER get there.

David Beckham Bought Posh A $160,000 Purse

Well, there’s still no Great Depression in the land of David and Victoria Beckham– Becks found a Christmas present for the woman who has everything…a diamond encrusted handbag costing 80,000 pounds, or approximately $160,000. Moneybags!

The diamond-studded Birkin Himalayan by Hermes is one of only three in the world. Posh showed off her new swag for the first time as Becks made his debut for AC Milan in Dubai. Posh is the only woman alive who would wear pearls and carry a diamond purse to a soccer game! The bag is named after British-born French actress Jane Birkin and has hundreds of diamonds, including a three-carat rock on the lock.

It cost Becks nearly a week’s pay! It was worth it to avoid a beating from Posh. Outrageous!

Tom Cruise Wants To Marry David Beckham. Oh, And Posh Too.

This is NOT gonna help squelch those “Tom Cruise is gay” rumors! Tommy-girl is a certifiable freak. Australia’s Live News says that he gave David and Victoria Beckham a truly bizarre Thanksgiving present…a pseudo-wedding between him, David, Katie and Posh. WTF?! Who the hell gives Thanksgiving presents anyways? Sneaky Scientologists, that’s who! Tommy’s been trying to lure Posh and Becks into the alien corps forever, and now he’s cemented the title of Chief Nutbag.

Reportedly, at some point next year, Tom & Katie will hold a ceremony during which both the Cruises and the Beckhams will “vow to be brothers and sisters and exchange heartfelt speeches.” A source tells the site, “Tom wanted to make a special gesture that would show how much he appreciates their friendship and he thought this would be the perfect way.” The joining will take place at Katie’s New York hideout townhouse.

Tommy wants to make a “special gesture” towards Becks, alright, and besides- you KNOW this has to be some kind of Scientology trap! Don’t walk down the aisle, Beckhams! Wrap that turkey of a Thanksgiving gift back up and give it to Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz. They’ll be ALL for it, (especially Pete) and Papa Joe can sell the wedding pics! Bonus!

Right Now In Nashville: The Titans Tear Up The AFC!

The Tennessee Titans keep winning, and not even the hallowed Peyton Manning could stop the NFL’s ONLY undefeated team! Yes, it’s sweet right now to be a Titans fan. Nashville’s been waiting for the team to be a contender again, and with their 7-0 record…it looks like this may be our year. The Titans, with quarterback Steve Young sidelined, have still managed to trounce all comers. The rivalry with Indianapolis is a big one, and the win may silence those who say the Titans have had a cushy schedule so far.

The Titans (7-0) have won an NFL-best 10 straight regular-season games, matching the second-best streak in franchise history. More importantly, Tennessee grabbed control of the AFC South away from the team that has dominated this division in winning the past five titles! QB Kerry Collins totally outplayed Manning, throwing for 193 yards with no interceptions. Tennessee’s greatest asset this season might be its resourcefulness. The line doesn’t let anybody touch Collins, which at 35 is probably a real good idea. He’s gone five straight games without being sacked. This is his 14th season in the NFL. Sayeth Kerry:

“We’re trying to get where they’ve been,” Collins said. “It was a big step for us tonight I think. We obviously got off to a good start, and to get one more against a division opponent is again real big at this time of year.”

Nashville LOVES Coach Jeff Fisher…he’s a class act, and a successful one at that. Last night he joined legendary coaches Tom Landry and Don Shula as the only NFL coaches to start 7-0 in their 15th season or later. Jeff credited his defense for staying patient against Manning and his team for focusing on the Colts, not its surprising start.

“The season’s still early, and there’s a lot of games left,” Fisher said. “Our focus was on the Colts and trying to prepare … to try to find a way to beat them. That was the commitment that we made this week. We’re not looking ahead. We’ll now look ahead to next weekend. As far as the division and all that stuff’s concerned, we’re just trying to win ballgames right now.”

Just keep it up, guys. We wanna go back to the BIG game again. And this time, we’d like to win!

Breaking: Knicks’ Isiah Thomas Overdoses

UPDATE: Isiah Thomas is an idiot mofo. He is trying to blame this whole mess on his 17 year-old daughter! He says SHE had a medical emergency. Nice! Too bad the police and ambulance reports say they picked up a 47 YEAR OLD MALE from his house. The cops say Isiah is trying to cover it up, and can’t figure out why he’s throwing his daughter under the bus. Dude, you can’t even LIE good.

Former New York Knicks president and head coach Isiah Thomas apparently overdosed on sleeping pills, a source confirmed to CBS station WCBS-TV in New York City. Thomas’ condition or whereabouts are not yet known. He reportedly was rushed to a White Plains Hospital for treatment. NBC news says he was unconscious, but breathing. A woman who answered an intercom at his Purchase home today refused to comment on Thomas’ well-being, whereabouts or anything else.

Other reports confirm that police did arrive at Thomas’ home shortly after midnight in response to a 911 call from a cell phone, but they would not confirm why. A source, however, said that Thomas’ condition was being classified as an overdose.

Thomas was fired by the Knicks on April 18 by new president Donnie Walsh, ending his dismal 2 year run as head coach. The Knicks went 23-59 last season, giving Thomas a record of 56-108 in his two years after replacing Larry Brown. Walsh, who took over as president on April 2, kept Thomas in the organization as a consultant.

Updates as they become available.

Carrie Underwood Gets Waxed

Country superstar Carrie Underwood unveiled her wax sidekick at Madame Tussauds in New York today. Which one is the real Underpants? Hint: Wax-Carrie is wearing the fugliest dress. Real Carrie is wearing the fugliest shoes. They have identical personalities…so don’t get fooled, Jessica Simpson! We KNOW you still prank-call Carrie, but we won’t tell Tony Romo. Promise.